Year Ending Acknowledgements.

when i first looked at this picture, i cried.
literally had tears flying down my face, and..
i didn't know why.
at first anyway.

i didn't expect that this year would be different.
that it would hold some substance compared to the others.
on january first of this past year, i thought to myself.
great. another year of wastefulness.
of carelessness. of just the simplicity of 2010.

i'm not the same person i was that day, almost 365 days before.
i'm completely new.
well, almost new.
i still laugh at ridiculous jokes, and snicker from the inappropriate ones.
i still love the thought of wearing hats.
i ramble on, a lot, and i don't think that will ever change.
and i still believe that things happen for a reason.

if you were here beside me
instead of in New York
if the curve of you was curved on me
i'd tell you that i loved you
before i even knew you
cause i loved the simple thought of you

i can't really define myself.
or the year i've had.
but the sneak peek of it is,
it was one of the most memorable years i've ever had.

i turned seventeen.
i got two raises at work.
i wrote practically a whole novel.
i painted something good, and was satisfied giving it away.
i donated money to good causes.
 i systematically changed throughout it all.
and it all was because of who was in my life, who i hung around, and who i loved being with.

M.

my older sister.

she has changed me in so many ways i had never thought possible.

she was there through my darkest days, and will be so for my most likely dimly lit ones.

she taught me what it was like to experience, to drive, and to just enjoy the damn coffee and leave my stomach to fight it off.

i could say that i'll always love her like family.

K.

i can honestly say that i don't think i'd ever had better adventures.

or better car talks.

this boy taught me to live in the moment, and helped me gain confidence. he helped me realize how much of a difference i can make, and ever since then i'm trying my best to live up to his word.

i don't think i've taken so much advice about life than from him, even though we know we're both just kids.

i miss his inspiration.

A.

this girl stuck around, never wavering.

she was the glue that never stopped holding on, and for that i thank her everyday.
with her unrelenting reliance, i've gained what it means to be a friend.
to be with them every step of the way, even though they can hurt or leave you.
she was there when everyone else wasn't.

"absence makes the heart grow fonder." and i am proud to know her, and love this girl.
a true friend.

F.

i think he would be really excited that i mentioned him.

i always thought that i was teaching him something (mainly bossing him around), but i did learn one thing.

making mistakes are okay, because things eventually work out.

i'm glad to know this person because he is still there even though i yell. even though i curse and even though i get mad, he still takes the beating.

he may look up to me, it's completely the opposite.

i only wish i had his bravery.

 H.

even with fights and separate opinions, i don't think i could bear not including her in this.

because she's been my sister for four years.

i think i've had the most memories with her. bad and good ones mixed in, but i couldn't imagine more time spent than with this girl.

she taught me a lot about morals. about consequences and about leaving the mistakes behind because eventually, they shouldn't have to matter anymore.
she taught me that forgetting about one simple thing is better than going into meaningless detail over it.

i've had so many smiles with her around.

and i miss that smile whenever i'm not with her.

i literally love her to death.

these people have changed me.

and still change me to this day.

and i cannot imagine never meeting them, and never knowing who they were.

i guess it's odd, but easy to get sentimental on the spin of another new year.

and i'm glad this one didn't end with regret.

if our hearts are never broken

well there's no joy in the mending

there's so much this hurt can teach us both

though there's distance and there's silence

your words have never left me

you're the prayer that i say every day

i don't know my new years resolutions. 

just priorities.
to keep the memories alive.

to never forget and to never let go of the things that matter.
and that for the next year to come, to take everything these five have taught me,
and to live it to the best.

i've disliked change.
but look where it brought me now.
i'm still finding out who i am but what i've learned from this year,
is to take it head on.
and to never regret my decisions.
because they make me who i am.

embrace the moment,
and live life to the best.

with love and light,
eve morgan
 

Red Room.

i'm confused.
a little bit lost even.
i walk around, seeing the bleak air wrapping around the world i am in,
and i don't know where i am.
i don't understand what i'm seeing.
and this feeling burrowed deep inside of my chest in unrelenting,
unknown and frightening.
but for some reason,
it doesn't feel unfamiliar.

when i think of people, i think of the world.
the connections.
the generations,
and the birth of new ones.

when i think of mystery, i think of the unexplained.
the unplanned.
the unexpected.

when i think of the past, i think of inconsistencies.
fragmented memories.
fading in the distance.
the new ones fogging up the old,
until they are dusty.
and unremembered.

when i think of the future, i think of stress.
of plans, of worry,
of expectations and disappointments.
yet also of wonder, wisdom,
and fate.

when i think of inspiration, i think of many things.
things that inspire me to do what i love.
people that make everything i create something of worth.
something of greatness.
something of value, yet not in terms of costs.

i could go on for miles and miles about what brings out the creativity in my craft.
about the people that bring out the best in me.
and the worst.
but that doesn't seem fair.
to describe people in the way they make you feel. to tell others who they are when you have no right to identify them. no right to express who they are,
when you yourself don't know who you are.

i started this post hopeful.
that i could just do something easily,
simple and un-meaningful.
but then i'd be a hypocrite to my own words.
that "all writing is beautiful."
that in my 'significant' opinion, everything a person writes down, or thinks about writing down has an impact.
but i honestly question my opinion.
hell, i question a lot of things.

but i don't ask myself why i fell towards fate.
i don't even doubt my mistakes, because i learn from them.
i don't regret my feelings,
because without them,
i'd be three years behind.

i'd have to guess that my inspiration comes from my experiences.
from the people i meet to the ground i walk on.
everything seemingly endless;
people.
environments.
in a simple sense, the living.

my inspiration comes from the living.
and to my surprise,
i'm part of that too.

this is where it all begins.
everything starts here, today.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Someone Like You.

sigh.
that's what i do in the morning, right when i sit up and look at myself in the mirror.
it's what i do at night, right before i close my eyes to rest.
i have no reason to sigh.
i have no rational thought to even use that wasted energy to think about it.
things are good. hell, things are great.
i patched up holes with my best friend. it may be bad stitching, but it'll hold.
i make enough money to take care of myself when my family can't.
i bonded with my brother, whom for years thought me scum.
i have plenty of friends to lean back on, and God is in my eyes.
i should be ecstatic. right?

the idiocy of my brain won't be satisfied.
it's not sufficed, because in the evening, and in the breaking dawn,
i sit up and sigh.
sometimes, if i have the energy, i even let a few tears slide.
why is a damn good question.

i keep pulling out my list.
checking and crossing everything that is on it, one by one.
"nope, that's not it... nope... no.. na-da."
i scan the list, i go over every simple thing in small detail, but none of it is what bothers me.
then i get to your name.
and my hand hovers over it with the pen,
unable to slash the line through.

i shake my head in denial, and squeeze my eyes shut, keeping the tears locked where they belong.
it's not you, i tell myself. it has to be something else.
with everything my rational, right mind says, the other part shouts back in defiance.
no matter how much i hate to admit, it's right.
the irrational, the crazed, and the damaged...
is one hundred percent accurate.

i can't help it.
i am torn in believing two truths.
that i am over it, and that i'm moving on.
and yet, a part of me is still stuck in the past.
and i don't know if that part is willing to break free.

i can say this for sure, every part of me wishes things were different then they are.
that i didn't have to let go, and that i didn't have to stop.
but i knew, somewhere deep and buried, i knew,
that it was the only way to keep from shattering.
to keep from breaking apart.

i need to be the friend to my heart.
because most of the time i refuse to be.
i've spent a lot of time,
wondering and thinking of what's best for me.
and even though at the time i believed the opposite,
you are not what's best.

i've wished a lot.
and the most was wishing that it wasn't true.
that everything that was there, was real.
but i know now, after being hit with harsh reality,
that it was fake.

it's a bittersweet feeling.
the sighing in early morning and late evenings.
i'm not being critical, i'm just being honest.
that's something i always have to do, right?
and in all honesty, i'll miss you.
your laugh, your character, your opinions, your grace,
and your presence in my life.

but i'll be okay.
that's about enough of a goal that i can make right now.
a simple, easy, hopefully achievable goal.
i wish you all of the luck in the world.
and i hope that you don't forget.

it's been great.
but it's time for a new chapter.
and with reluctance,
i'm closing this one.

maybe i'll find someone like you
i wish nothing but the best for you, too
don't forget me, i beg, i remember you said
sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

with love and light,
eve morgan

A Fish Out of Water.

day turns to night,
and night to day.
hours pass on, and the world spins.
it spins madly on,
the speed too fast for you to handle.
but you don't feel it.
we don't feel the speed and the quickness underneath our feet.
as we are oblivious, time passes by.
and the young hands you used all those years are now crusty, weak, fragile,
old.

it was a wild idea to start,
a drip on the head got it wet in the heart,
and it looked like a river but was just a freeway
in the dark
oh, in the dark

sometimes i wonder if i'm a fish out of water.
desperate to go home,
but i don't know where home is.
it's kind of like a stroke on a blank sheet.
you have no idea where it will go,
but it's a start.

"it begins."

am i just chained to the art?
or is the art chained to me?
you can't tell, because the image is so dark.
so grey like the graphite i hold in my hand.
every word or touch of the paper,
i'm forming an anomaly.

you are a long ways up river from home
right here this water is mean but it's the same as your own
you better swim for your life
it's both at the same time

everyone looks at things in different ways.
with different opinions and feelings on the subject.
i feel like a shadow.
in the background, unable to shape or form into the person it's connected to.
but it observes the world around it.
and when day hits night, it disappears.
invisible until the next shining of the sun.

in shadow, in dark
in cold wind, open up your heart
'cause time brushes on your face
and one loved them - every new shape

one loved them for what could not get left behind or washed away

i'm trying.
to be better, stronger, faster.
to be an example for myself to lean back on.
to be the adviser to my decisions: and to be a good one.
i want to be able to think of love,
and to not scowl. or not frown.
i want to be able to see it as many do,
something to be cherish and something to be found.
but it's hard to be an explorer,
when all you've seen so far is disappointing.

the war is our hearts and lovers in the band we love
we keep breaking our backs, hoping that it gives enough,
oh, what do you need, oh, what do you need

tick tock, goes the clock.
and i am running out of time.
"speed it up."
i'm turning the gears as quickly as i can.
but i don't have the strength to go on.
how i wish to have more hands, to have someone,
unlike me,
to help me finish the job.

i know i use this too much,
but i feel like a wave.
you know, waves are a type of thing that always changes.
that is never the same shape or the same color.
the light hits different areas,
and darkness is deep and buried.
but i want to just dive in, and forget what is on land.
i'd love just drift away,
and never hit solid earth again.

it'll be just me,
flowing forever in the water.

oh man, there's ladders to the sky, building up a high rise
oh man we won't last long but we're giving it our best try
don't you know you're alive, you know you're alive
none of us save the day, but the war it told you

and we don't know what's left, but we feel it's coming back soon
so we're standing in the street staring at a blood red moon
we are the tide
we are the tide

with love and light,
eve morgan

We Are The Tide.

it's been a really long time since i've made a post.
but i'm not sorry for it.
there have been things in my life, twisting and turning, and pulling me around like a current in a wave.
keeping me on track, in one swift motion.
but the tsunami came, and ruined everything.
it ruined the plan.

there have been ups and downs.
i saw a performance by one of the best artist's known to man.
man just doesn't know them yet.
i met up with a person that i missed dearly, and seeing her face just had me laughing from the past.
i gave up someone, leaving them to float away at sea; bittersweet feelings held that day.

i've been trying really hard to concentrate on the important things.
my work and my craft.
my family and my relationship with them.
who i want to be, and how it compares to who i really am.
how others are worth it, and others drift apart.

i hear the train all night,
sound of it's wind blowing through
a subtle lapse... and i have a job to do
walking these cars, walking all to sleep,
to get to you

their voices pierce through me.
i will never listen the same, after feeling their heart.
feeling their respect, their emotions,
and their stories that made everything else seem minuscule.
"Be Here Now" totally applies.
i didn't realize how important that phrase was,
until i lived it with the six most talented people.
and lived it with a friend.

some ties are made to break;
some stocks grow high and green to rot away
and feel the weight

i don't think i've ever had this feeling before.
of unrelenting reliance.
of situating sounds, breaking through that window pane.
complete and utter silence.
the room is empty.
and all there is is disdain.

i got wise and i got old
not once, not once did i fold
so don't you now
maybe you bet on me,
while we were still young enough to know,
to believe

i've never been alone before.
not really anyway.
but as of now, this day,
i'ts just me and the world.

i'll think of them sometimes.
the people who made an impact.
and i'll think of future others,
who will do just the same.
it'll cross my mind, i know.
the way i fell in the undertow.

time and time again, they fly like birds.
moving so quickly like the waves,
while i am stuck here in the sand.

the person who taught me what it's like to have morals,
and to have consequences for your actions.

the boy who told me i didn't need to please;
he just wanted their reactions.

the girl that speaks her mind,
and that may leave storms in her wake.
but yet again, she doesn't waver,
because she's not just a piece of paper.

and one was different;
he wasn't arrogant, crass, or even innocent.
he took things head on, just as i did.
but he pushed people away,
just a bit.
there were times when i thought, "this is it".
but the mystery unfolded, and the "it" wasn't present.
it left a long time ago.
all we needed was acceptance.

i am all alone now.
standing as tall as i can.
watching people move and scatter across the earth,
and i'm waiting.
just waiting,
to be with somebody again.

some land holds a home;
some of my years only hold,
me to roam

i got wise and i got old
not once, not once did i fold
so don't you now

with love and light,
eve morgan

Stranger With the Same Name.

at times, when i was young enough to call myself a kid, i would just relax, lie in bed or on a couch, and remove a single blank sheet of paper. i'd take my pencil, and let the hands create what i've already drawn in my mind. when i was done, it wouldn't look exactly the same as the picture plastered in my head, but i'd still be proud with the work.
with the effort thrown into every single stroke of graphite.
when my mind was innocent enough to have sparks flying around in it like fireworks blasting off, i would run outside onto the grass and just pump my legs and be fueled with adrenaline. i'd create my own world. one that was completely out of the box, unorthodox, and with a label reading: my imagination.
my own space that i could call mine; no one would be able to take it from me.

i sit here and try to think of if i ever thought like this recently. i tried to recall the last time i ran outside with my imagination only, or when i didn't need a present thing to draw from.
i can't even remember. it's crazy, because i have the best memory of anyone i know.
it seems to me like i need to reinvent. go back to the person that i used to be; creative, enthusiastic, and unrelenting in my passions.
but i sit here, and voices pop into my head.
"eve, you have work to do."
"you don't have time to goof around."
"that isn't important right now."
"work, eve."
"strive, eve."
"stay strong, eve."

i feel like breaking myself apart and starting all over again from scratch. like i could rewind my videotape, and edit things completely until the video of my life is a new story. reinventing my whole personality; my passions, my struggles, the way i think about things. i just feel like there should be so much change.
that all of these recent things are unimportant. trying to keep up with my new self has the old one fading to the back; i'm not the eve who wears converses up to her knees, not the eve that couldn't wear eyeliner, and who read manga more than anyone.
i'm just a stranger with the same name.

i'm at a personality crisis.
and it's time for a change.

let's reinvent.
so i'm not just a shell anymore.
i'll be the eve i want to be.

"go back to the beginning."

with love and light,
eve morgan

Points.

conundrums.
large, fat, giant, massive, ambiguous,
conundrums.
conundrums that seem to take your life,
and twist it, until you shout
"What in the Hell?"
and are left standing there, dumbfounded.
confused.
and ultimately,
alone.

loneliness isn't a horrible thing.
it isn't even that much a mistake.
unless you think about it.
unless you grieve upon it.
unless you have always depended on others, and when alone, you have no idea how to depend on yourself.
to care for yourself.
to make yourself your new best friend. your new confidant.
your new self.

i have learned in the past few days, that there are signs.
there are reasons for what people do and say,
and there are explanations for the unknown and the mysterious.
but sometimes,
the answers aren't easily explained.
they aren't even really answers, because sometimes,
we have no idea what the hell we are talking about.

things happen for a reason.
at least, that's what John Locke says.
that we may never view things as random, or uncertain,
because uncertainty just leads to doubt.
and doubt leads to failure.

success isn't whether the fact you have a steady job, or if everything in your life is going exactly the way you planned.
it's just the fact of being happy.
being content with how your life turned out, that even with the mistakes you've made, it's led you to this point.
this tiny little dot that tells you, "Congratulations! You have won success."
but success isn't winning, is it?

there may not even be anything like success.
maybe success is some imaginary thing made up so that people would strive instead of sitting on their asses day in and day out.
but i'd rather believe that there is.
because it brings out hope.
strength, and wisdom. and the power to push through the hard things, and truly find what makes a person happy.
and in that happiness, they will shine through.

i just hope i find it.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Compensation.

i wake up, feeling five pairs of eyes on me.
i turn and look, but i only see one.
hers.
i force myself to turn back, facing front.
i get up, do my usual routine, and leave to increase my education.
again, i have eyes on my back.
i turn and there's only one. but it doesn't look at me anymore.
it walks past, head towards the ground.
leaving me standing in the rain, with so much guilt.

it hasn't really hit me yet.
it doesn't really feel true, because i see and just want to wave.
to speak, to say anything.
then i remember. it hits me all over again, and that wish of waving and speaking have gone to waste.
"things change."

two birds on a wire
one tries to fly away and the other
watches him close from that wire
he says he wants to as well but knows he's a liar

i know that it's what's best.

for now, in my mind. still hoping and wishing for just a little conversation.
but knowing rationally, it's almost impossible.
for the first time, i wish to be naive. oblivious. unknown.
i won't be knocked down.
but i am just sinking in the wave.

i'll believe it all
there's nothing i won't understand
i'll believe it all
i won't let go of your hand

three more weeks, and i'll be alright.
that's what she says, anyhow. and i completely understand.
i always understand.
maybe that's the mistake. understanding. knowing how they feel, and yet still repeating: "it's okay, i understand."
i try to make myself believe that this is what she wants.
yet i refuse to come to terms. because for once,
we are on different wavelengths.
and i don't know how to get us the same again.
"we can blame it on the rain."

for those who can still recall, the desperate colors of fall
the sweet caresses of May, only in poems remain
no one recites them these days for the shame
so what if nothing is safe, so what if no one's saved
no matter how sweet, no matter how brave
what if each to his own lonely grave?

praying is what keeps me steady. people are what keep me from falling to the floor.
because with others, i can easily forget.
yet when i see her face, it's a reminder.
a reminder of who i am.
and who i am isn't who i want to be.
not if i hurt her, so she'll hurt me.
it's just compensation.

i don't want to live without you

with love and light,
eve morgan

Behind the Black.

"your life is in motion. keep it going cause you'll never know which crazy direction life will take you. go on the journey and enjoy every minute of it." - L

you said those words to me, so long ago.
i had to dig through piles and piles to find that page.
with all the scribbling. the conversations held by your handwriting.
papers scattered every which way.
drawings and notes and pictures.
everywhere i look, there's a reminder.

four years.
four long, crazy, destructive, repairing, loving years.
filled with moments of frustration,
moments of laughter,
moments of seriousness,
and moments of complete confusion.
complete disaster.
a disaster that apparently became too large. too massive to control.
and in the end, it destroyed.
and left nothing to be fixed.

"you're my best friend. you support me and love me. you make good choices even when it's hard. you don't want to wrong yourself too badly. i love you!"

i didn't make the good choice when it counted.
i've wronged myself, and you, too many times.
there's no excuse.
there's no apology, because i know,
it won't be enough.

time will tell the future.
none of us can expect, because we always receive the unexpected.
life throws us curve balls.
and we have no idea how we can catch it,
without going through pain.
through heartache.

distinctly through the halls, there was many rooms. rooms of the mind, cluttered and filled with memories. there was a hallway, completely dedicated to L+E.
the doors were shut closed. i walked by noticing the titles of each, smiling but still troubled to know that they weren't open. and that they were painted black.

behind the black there was so much.
waiting in line to see a stupid twilight movie at midnight.
dressing up as strawberry shortcake girls at halloween.
watching cloudy with a chance of meatballs with B, then going nuts, acting like cats.
interesting nights at K's house.
sitting on the couch at W, laughing so hard with the people around us.
engaging conversations about silly crushes.
states away, still video-chatting on christmas day.
dancing in the kitchen, making cake.
crying in the moonlight, and hugging until it stops.
and laughing until we almost died.

the faith you have inspires me
the hope you have defines me
the love you have confines me

i suffer no more because of you
i open up more because of you

you help me grow
and i to you.

saddens and darkness are gone
for you have brightened my life.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Night and Day.

two years ago.
seems like forever ago if i think about it.
i was fifteen.
just becoming a sophomore in high school.
it was still a scary place to me.
i was just starting out.

two years ago.
there were a lot of problems.
decisions and choices didn't feel like they were mine.
still going through self-doubt.
a personality crisis.

a lot of hardships.
a lot of problems, that even now, seem minuscule.
again, i was around fifteen.
back then, i thought i knew everything.

and when it happened, when it began...
i was lost.
confused, left wondering, how i didn't see it coming.
it blindsided me. it took me from behind, and enveloped me into a place.
someplace dark.
and no matter how hard i tried,
the door to light would not budge.

i felt like in moments,
i could disappear.
leave the face of the earth, and no one would ever know.
i'd just blend into the trees, and the streets.
make myself invisible.
and unknown.

there was that night.
one of the worst nights.
one where i felt machines, where there was steel instead of skin.
cold instead of warm.
desperately trying to break free.
as if i was encased in a shell, and i wanted to be exposed.

realization set in.
it removed me from the case, and i exposed myself.
and i could finally see.
there was light, not darkness.
the door finally flooded open,
and i was free.

then came the morning.
the new day.
i could remember vividly.
yawning from a tired sleep, and glancing out of my window.
and instead of seeing the green grass, i saw a different brightness.
all i could see was white.

"snow means His forgiveness, you know."

that day...
changed something in me.
it molded something that was already present, and mixed it in with something totally new.
totally worthy and very pure.
just like the white of the snow outside my bedroom window.
for the first time in months, i smiled.
for real. no force was needed.

leaving everything behind, i threw on boots,
and went into the winter.
the winter winds that changed me.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Stuck on the Outside.

there are a lot of times,
when i wonder what i'm doing here.
what my purpose is in this world.
what i'm going to do,
what i'll accomplish,
whose lives i'm going to change.

i sit back,
leaning against white tile,
struggling to breathe.
starting off black, and ending with white.
but i still feel gray.

i can't hang on
to what i want when i'm stretched so thin
it's all too much to take in
i can't hold on
to anything watching everything spin
with thoughts of failure sinking in

for the first time,
my mind is boggled.
like the poison is seeping in,
blocking my view of anything,
everything that's right,
is suddenly cloudy.

just when i think i can remove myself,
i'm shoved back in.
the same face popping back up.
and i can't escape.

what do i do to ignore them behind me?
do i follow my instincts blindly?
do i hide my pride in these bad dreams
and give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?

i don't want to give in.
i don't want to restrict myself.
"it's my life."
yet sometimes,
thoughts of her dominate.
and i can't help wanting,
to jump on a bus
or train,
or plane,
to knock some sense.

yet hypocracy evades me.
because i know i'm just as immature.
just as naive.
just as vulnerable.

do i sit here and try to stand it?
or do i try to catch them red-handed?
do i trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
or do i trust nobody and live in loneliness?

maybe it's not the fact i can't trust.
but the fact of who i let in.
and maybe,
who walked into my fortress,
hasn't yet cracked all the way through the glass.

all that baracades,
is the sea of green.
and when i pull out for air,
all i see is a forest.
of beautiful, lush green.
a green that is not real.

just like the dreams.

how do you think i've lost so much
i'm so afraid, so out of touch
how will you expect i will know what to do
when all i know is what you tell me to

i'm living by their rules.
without realizing.
drowning the the sleeplessness.
yet smiling at a dawn.
a new day is ahead.
and that's all i need to know.

maybe, someone will come along the way,
and i'll change their life.
just like you changed mine.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Together Again.

reuniting.
sounds simple when you hear it.
it's just like a quick fix.
everything that has happened suddenly washes away.
and you are living only in the moment of now.
the moment with the person you are holding.

one of my greatest friends came back to visit this past weekend.
i couldn't tell you how pleased i was.
i was literally jumping off the walls.
it was like when i stepped in the car, things were back to normal.
music blasted, and all i could feel was excitement,
about the fun we'd have together.

and in turn, during her stay,
i had noticed a certain bravery shining around her.
a bravery that i did not possess.
yet i wanted to.
so, as i saw her leave my room and walk down my hall, i decided.
to be brave.

and i was.
i pushed myself, and in turn,
caught up with an old friend.
again, reuniting seems so simple.
but it really isn't.

i didn't really know what to say.
or what to talk about.
finally, words were exchanged;
after a month of silence.
put in perspective,
the term reuniting feels like it is placed right where you left off.
with talking, it felt like things were back in order.
bringing up old habits.
combined with new conversations.

bravery hit me twice when i caught up with yet another person.
it had been a long time.
it was weird, seeing him on my computer screen.
trying to avoid certain topics,
knowing they'd bring up gray areas.

i see whom i've come across in the past few days,
and i notice something.
friends really are hard to keep track of.
especially when they aren't in close proximity to you.
yet, even so...
it all depends on the friendship, really.
who is worth making effort for.
and who is easily slipped out of your brain.

all i know is that i'm glad that i can reunite.
i'm happy that i can catch up.
i like hearing stories.
and i hope with a certain few,
there will be more stories to come.

"don't give up."

with love and light,
eve morgan

And The World Turned Upside Down.

when things grow and contort into massive things that fathom my mind,
i delve back to my world.
full of hope and wonder.
and for some reason,
i'm a child again.

i can literally see myself.
playing and running with a strange person next to me.
he's wearing white.
yet i cannot seem to see his face.
but the younger version of me is laughing, and smiling so big.
squealing "Daddy."

Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And everything you do
Yeah, it was all yellow

i felt discombobulated.
i didn't understand why in this world, i was a little kid.
then it dawned on me,
like the infinite rising of the sun.
"this was before."
back when life was at it's peak.
untarnished.
and left alone.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love something but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

i watch her, i watch me.
young and full of promise.
i see her playing, and being so beautiful for her father.
her Daddy.
the child is completely happy.
completely untouched.
completely innocent.
and the door to her heart is wide open.
unlike mine.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
I will try to fix you

all i want to do is take her.
the younger me, and hold her in my arms.
i want to protect her from the harshness,
and the pain.
and the struggles.

i see myself take her, and her Father backs away slowly.
towards the light over the hills,
and i watch him disappear.
she willfully jumps into my arms,
smiling one of the biggest smiles.
i can't help but return one.
yet the tears keep coming.

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you try, you'll never know
Just what you're worth

i soak her cute flowing white dress.
clinging to her, to me, like if i let go,
i would collapse.
as hard as i'm squeezing her, she hugs back with just as much force.
it doesn't feel like i'm protecting her.
but like i need her.
the child-like, the innocent,
the open part of me.

Confusion never stops
Closing walls and ticking clocks
Gonna come back and take you home
I could not stop that you now know, singing

You Are
and nothing else compares

i could never forget,
stepping into that world of mine,
and holding her.
yet, what struck me...
was even with all the wisdom i thought i had possessed,
my child version was wiser.
stronger.
instead of holding her, she held me.
and said:

"don't worry. i've got you, and you've got me.
we're together, you see?"

and the rest was left in her smile.

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I
will try to fix you

with love and light,
eve morgan 

Follow Through.

i came to terms today.
to my friends, to my family, and to myself.
there's no point in wasting time in something that is invisible.
that isn't present.
that isn't yours.

on the first day of IC and yet another night at W,
i made a realization.
things really change.
yet the past is still with you wherever you go.
and you just have to accept it.
for all of it.

i look back on my experiences,
and notice that my life is not even beginning.
not yet.
but soon.
maybe in the following years, all the faces i know will disappear.
maybe some from the old will reappear.
only time will tell.

another thing i notice is that music reminds me of A.
never did before.
until i heard "let's make music again."
all my pain from the past lifted a little,
squeezing me through.
like Indiana Jones grabbing at his hat.
i want to grab at her again.

it's awfully silly to freak out about lack of speech.
lack of communication.
when you yourself know that effort hasn't been made back.
it's the same both ways.
i keep reminding myself:
"you need to change that, Eve."

"Be the Change."

it's time to change some things.
my lifestyle should be one of them.
my habits.
my situations.
my feelings.
all i need is a good kick.
then i'll be able to accomplish,
to know what i want,
and how i'm gonna get it.

one day i had needed a walk.
if you've ever felt that, you would know.
i heard something that they believed to be true.
now i'm starting to believe it, too.
"mother nature's always got our back."

go back to the basics.
i remind myself that day in and day out.
so i'm going to travel, and for the first time, backwards.
to where everything was simpler.
and i wouldn't have to deal with "this."
or anything.

i would just be Eve.

Sometimes I wonder where I've been,
do I fit in,
I may not win but I will not be thrown,
Out Here On My Own.

i'm on my own.
even alone, though,
i think i'll find what i need.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Choice Vs. Chance.

i used to dream.
they were weird as hell, but i found them amusing enough.
later on, they got clearer. more vivid.
almost as if it was the real thing.
and when i met you,
i decided not to dream.

i didn't want to think about it.
i also did not want my mind to embellish it, or construe miles of stories that were maybe's.
but my subconscious betrayed me.
it led me back to walk.
to glide, towards what at the time,
seemed like the light.

"do you believe that our lives are by chance,
or by choice?"

it's a bit difficult to believe in fate,
when i know you have made a choice.
one that brings me to fight.
to strike back.
with all that i've got.

yet in all the preparation,
i've lost my drive.
maybe through all this, i don't need to win.
because maybe there's no fight.
maybe the favors aren't actually favor's at all.
they were just fantasies.

i heard a voice that almost sounded like yours.
it scared me at first, because i thought it could be...
but i turned and it wasn't.
i see a car and i think it's yours without question.
but it's not.

i wander,
from place to place.
searching for something else.
anything else.
distracting myself with things and people and objects.
thinking that'll be enough to remove you.
but your on the wall of my mind like a shadow.
one move and you follow me.

i never knew what it was like.
i saw other people living it and i thought,
"man, this is so dramatized."
never knew it could be an understatement.

when i ly at night,
i think of your eyes,
and how they caught the light

i can still remember.
what the experiences have brought me.
frustration.
anxiety.
stress.
sadness.
fear.
strength.
power.
joy.
bliss.

i imagined what i'd be like if i never knew you.
how different everything would be.
i wonder if i would be better, or worse.
but i guess that's how fate works.

i don't know what will happen.
but right now, i seem to have an idea.
so i want to change it.
i don't want this to be "another one of those times".
i want it to mean something.
so it didn't look like i wasted my time.

did you waste yours?

with love and light,
eve morgan

Closer Than Life Admits.

i'm at a certain point.
a point where nothing is set in stone.
a point where i have no idea where i am, or where i want to go.
a certain point that explains,
i don't know what i'm doing.

i can see it like an old home movie.
sneaking out in the middle of the night, and walking to 7-11.
laughing for feeling so rebellious.
i can see her sitting there, and for the first time,
watching her tears slid down her cheeks,
and hearing her secrets.

i keep watching this movie, unable to tear my eyes away.
stumbling at K's house.
hiking until our legs could not bear it anymore.
so many trips in the car, adventures created from missing an exit.
holding her in my arms.
patting her head and telling her it's alright.
praying for her happiness.

the film is never-ending.
yet, i find myself with a knot in my stomach.
like something is going terribly wrong, but i don't know what.
maybe it's my own fear.
maybe it's what other people say.
i refuse to believe the norms.

"people move on. things change."
i always say:
"not us."
"well, you never know."
"no, i DO know. it'll never happen."

i'm trying to keep that belief.
make that statement worth something.
it's probably my own panic.
but i've been called a worrier.

i guess it's just to live for now.
stop worrying about the later.
and keep watching.
because this movie, i hope,
will never end.

with love and light,
eve morgan

If Only.

i wish i could change how i feel.
i wish i could fix what has been broken.
instead of picking up the pieces of glass and throwing them away,
i could be gluing them together so it will be one again.
the cracks may be seen, but it'll be together again.

but that's what happens when your own feelings get in the way.
they mess things up.
feelings cause a lot of stupid decisions that you just know you'll regret.
"why can't things just stay the same?"

i'm so tired.
sick feelings hit my stomach when my head hits the pillow.
thoughts pry into my slumber, awaking me.
i don't get much sleep anymore.

i would give anything to just rest.
without cares and without worries.
like nothing could come in my way.
a clear head, clear mind.
no faces clouding.

amnesia sounds pretty damn good right about now.
the ability to forget used to be avoidable.
but craving it makes it more impossible to achieve.
"good luck finding a miserable amnesiac."

i want to go back.
to that normal day in a favorite city of mine.
and instead of silence, there are words.
meaningful ones.
ones that leave a mark. words that matter.
sometimes it feels like it's too late to say.
but who knows what the outcome will be.

other things stray me away from the bigger picture.
frustration and sickness being some of them.
it's funny how sometimes you take some things so simply.
believing that it will last forever.
but later,
man, are you mistaken.

great words from a movie:
"that's when you've found someone really special. when you can just shut up, and share a comforting silence."
uma said it better than i could.
"what i would give..."

protect those who are in your life.
be strong willed for them.
be there for them.
because even when you think they are doing great,
they just want you there.
doing fine = feeling like crap.
they miss you.
so come back.

"can't things be like they used to be?"

with love and light,
eve morgan

Stranger in a Strange Land.

flashbacks mean their word.
memories from the past that flash through your mind.
like lightning in a thunderstorm.
quick, painless.
until it disappears and you are left with the memory.
and the pain from the electrocution.

i turn on the light.
get out of bed.
unable to remember another dream.
yet, still knowing, and still getting that feeling.
of what it was about.

Dreams, that's where i have to go
to see your beautiful face anymore

sometimes i get that feeling.
like you are sharing a memory, or a distinct thought with someone else.
while they aren't around.
at first you are stunned to know they aren't standing next to you.
but then feel a bit joyful, knowing that there are thoughts of you too.

i want to share your horizon
and see the same sun rising
turn the hour hand back
to when you were holding me

clutching onto a T on a chain, as if it was the only thing to grab.
struggling to keep moments at a distance.
because you know that if you get too close,
you are in the crossfire.

re-reading old things.
notes and texts and pages.
rubbing your temples, whispering to yourself:
"it's okay."
a reassuring pat from a friend that reminds you...
you still have a life to live.

things are not the same, yet its still:
same classrooms.
same streets.
same places to dine.
same people.
yet it feels strange somehow.
like a piece of the puzzle is gone.

Hope, hope there's a conversation

where we both admit we had it good but

until then it's alienation, i know, that much is understood

i keep telling myself there wasn't enough time.
enough weight.
enough power.
enough ability.
but lies are still brooding.
lessons from a place i never thought could hold me.
the impression is still marked on my skin.
yet invisible to everything but brown eyes.

And if i had the chance to renew
there isn't a thing i wouldn't do
i could get back on the right track
but only if you'd be convinced

drowning in the seas that are my slumber.
feeling water on my cheeks the moment my eyes open.
unknowingly carrying a different weight.
so much different then the ones before.

finally i'm forced to face the truth

it comes in waves.
knocking me over until i cannot get up anymore.
so i leave an impression in the sand.
just like the one you left me.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Rules Of the Tunnel.

friends.
friends are either the best thing in the world or the worst thing in the world.
they either push you towards your goals or they keep you from achieving them.
a friend is your greatest adversary.. or your greatest enemy.
friends.

i'd consider myself to be a good friend. most of the time, i am.
in turn, i haven't really made the best of friends.
maybe some who i find special and worthy.
but the rest...
who knows.

it's interesting how easy it is to make friends.
and later to have them slip through your fingers like water.
as if they flow perfectly, but your on solid ground and they are unable to grasp.
you are unable to flow with them.
unable to connect.
but you wish you were.

thats what happens over time.
friends come and they go.
some turn into enemies.
others into blurs.
like the whole world is moving...
and you're standing still.

life is full of inconsistencies.
friends being number one among them.
family is never the case.
family doesn't have to be with blood.
its who is consistent.
and there for you for every miniscule flaw.
every tiny tantrum.
every lovely wake.

not enough family is around.
and every one who is considered for it,
ends up disappearing.
never to be heard from.
it's alright, in a way.
"the cycle of life continues."

there are more people in the world.
there are doppelgangers, and look-a-likes.
yet.. they are not the same.
it's just something to live with.

"and the world spins madly on."

with love and light,
eve morgan

Personal Legends.

i'm going through withdrawals.
i will not say what from, or why i am.
it's just that.

let's just say that it's a really difficult process.
but it is one that i must achieve.
because without it..
what will i do?

i've been reading.
quite a bit, i have been reading.
i'm proud to say that my eyes were satisfied with the words.
with the ideas.
and with the messages through them.
lessons come in the most interesting ways.

i take a look around at my life now.
my family, all little worker bees.
a best friend who is proving her worth to her peers and her family too.
i'm included, and i'm so proud.

two great people that have moved away.
missing them like hell, but still happy to receive a call once in a while.
they are fulfilling themselves.
and i am damn happy for them.

the rest is just something to come to peace with.
like making amends when none has been needed.
it just feels like it is.
effort in what has been missing.
finally you are putting the puzzle together.
the puzzle that is you.

sometimes when my brain is "squeezed",
all i want to shout is "stop."
but it doesn't.
it's just lessens.
but the pain recedes.

sun is the sight,
wind is motion,
and the earth is life.

the universe was made to push us.
to test us.
to judge us.
and with that, we must move forward.
never backward, no matter what.
all it wants is for us to achieve our goals.
our missions.
our destinies.

waiting is a word i hate to use.
rest is something unavailable.
for now.
but oh, how it'll feel.
when my work is done.

"life is work."
but with bliss, the work feels like a privilege.
until it doesn't feel like work at all.
then your goal is achieved.

"go after what you want."

with love and light,
eve morgan

Go For It.

i know that when i was younger, i stood on the sidelines.
i just watched as everyone else struggled and persevered, resulting in either accomplishment or failure.
i was never part of the equation.

until i met this loud, slightly obnoxious girl who never stopped pretending.
she took everything head on, and it was admirable.
her other qualities.. maybe not so much.
one thing that made her so unique and different, however...
was her ability to smash the shell wide open, leaving you exposed to the world.
and according to her, you had to take it with joy.
with humor.
with liveliness.

after knowing this person, i was shoved into the game.
into play.
i had no idea what to do, and my face hit dirt again and again.
but i learned that i had to get up.
because if not, i'd get trampled.
i could hear her in my head: "suck it up!"
so i did.

i made myself stand.
no one else helped me up.
it was all me.
and after that, i knew that no one could push me down again.
no one other than myself.

years later, high school hit.
away from that girl and away from the awkward shy one that held my name.
she didn't deserve the title.
they say that people never change.
but that is one of the biggest lies i had ever heard.
for a while i had followed it. i learned my lesson.
one of the best lessons i could have experienced.

so i tried different things. met different people. started dressing, acting, and living differently.
but still trying to keep my old self intact.
like sewing the new fabric into the old that was my heart.
that was my soul.
like the shadow on peter pan, that he just has to keep.
without it it's like you aren't real.

at first, the transition was hard.
going from being the audience member to the one that the audience was watching.
my body just froze the first time i tried a new thing.
it was like ice encased my whole entire body and i could not do anything to move.
now i have a fire that melts the fear away.
and i thank who helped it grow to this very day.

sometimes i don't always succeed.
i may be disappointed, yes, but it's alright.
because the fire gets bigger each time.
like an inferno.
"at first you don't succeed, try try again."

i'm a volcano ready to blow.
you better be ready.
because i'm still trying to be.

but that's the fun of the party.
"get living."

with love and light,
eve morgan

Gravity.

time has grabbed me by the shoulders.
shaking me until i feel sick.
it shouts, "its your moment, leave the ground!" and i shake my head again and again, tears spilling out all over. all around me.
how could i leave who or what has kept me in the grass?
who helped with my steps? how could i knowing that they or it has taught me to keep my feet in front of me?
time again says, softly now: "leave and let go."

the first time i flew i was scared.
freaked out and full of fear.
leaving my comfort zone was something i had never wanted to do, or wanted to experience.
my hands desperately tried to grab the earth beneath me, to hold on; yet that sunset colored rose was shrunken into a dot as my body flew higher from the floor.

moments passed by, and with every leap after..
it began to feel like grace.
like peace.
like bliss.

"something always brings me back to you."

yet, with everything keeping me up, i am cast back down into reality.
my mind doesn't quite understand.
i ask myself why i cannot stay up there with the stars and the clouds.
then my voice repeats my mantra back as if i am learning for the first time.
"but people need you here.
they need you."

faith is a series of calculations
created by an idiot savant.
i'm in love.
i'm alone
in this city of painted boxes
stacked like alphabet blocks
spelling nothing.

so many things and experiences i have been through cross into my utopia, disfiguring the beauty and reforming into something of a nightmare.
all i has wished was to sit up in bed, clutching the front of my shirt and heaving short breaths, but enveloped in relief.
that feeling. "oh, it was only a dream."
if only...

"you loved me 'cause i'm fragile, when i thought that i was strong.
but you touch me for a little while and all that fragile strength is gone."

i begin to review my dreams and what has caused my glass to crack.
i try to analyze what to do, knowing that even one day, it will break.
that it will shatter into millions of pieces.
what's the aftermath?
but the bigger question: how to stop it from happening?
"too little too late."

i guess there's just fate.
tape it around your fingers, and write it with permanent ink.
because that's where it'll stay.

"i live here on my knees as i try to make you see that you're everything i think i need here on the ground.
but you're neither friend or foe and i can't seem to let you go."

the words said by time are again in my mind, like a song that you just hate but you can't seem to remove it from your head.
it just re-plays, and that music of thought has left a scar.
you left a scar.

my heart is like graffiti on a subway train,
a shadow on the wall made by a child.

i cling to love as if it were an answer.
i go on buying,
knowing i'll burn out before the sun.

i wonder what it would be like to burn.
to burn away all your sins.
your insecurities.
to burn your problems away until you are just a fresh piece of meat, waiting to be devoured by another.
like a fresh yet fatal start.
a new self.
burning away your identity.

"here i am and i stand so tall, just the way it's supposed to be.
but you're on to me."

sometimes i want to re-build.
destroy and re-build all the aspects of me.
make myself greater.
better.
stronger.
but i already am what i am meant to be.
that's what you say anyway.
"you are stronger than you appear."
thoughts of me, and your words, are what keep me up.
but i can't just keep standing.

"set me free, leave me be, i don't want to fall another moment into your gravity."

i like to be with the birds.
because they have it so easy.
the earth is filled with ones i care about.
but time had a good point.
"let go."

gravity chains us to the asphalt with such grace
we think it's kind.

no more leaving myself on the floor to be stepped on.
no more scarring.
i will listen to time and i will come to embrace it as well.
it really is a moment to let go.
i just know it'll be the hardest task to manage.

i know this
the way i know
sunrise and sunset
are caused by the endless turning
of the Earth.

with love and light,
eve morgan