Someone Like You.

sigh.
that's what i do in the morning, right when i sit up and look at myself in the mirror.
it's what i do at night, right before i close my eyes to rest.
i have no reason to sigh.
i have no rational thought to even use that wasted energy to think about it.
things are good. hell, things are great.
i patched up holes with my best friend. it may be bad stitching, but it'll hold.
i make enough money to take care of myself when my family can't.
i bonded with my brother, whom for years thought me scum.
i have plenty of friends to lean back on, and God is in my eyes.
i should be ecstatic. right?

the idiocy of my brain won't be satisfied.
it's not sufficed, because in the evening, and in the breaking dawn,
i sit up and sigh.
sometimes, if i have the energy, i even let a few tears slide.
why is a damn good question.

i keep pulling out my list.
checking and crossing everything that is on it, one by one.
"nope, that's not it... nope... no.. na-da."
i scan the list, i go over every simple thing in small detail, but none of it is what bothers me.
then i get to your name.
and my hand hovers over it with the pen,
unable to slash the line through.

i shake my head in denial, and squeeze my eyes shut, keeping the tears locked where they belong.
it's not you, i tell myself. it has to be something else.
with everything my rational, right mind says, the other part shouts back in defiance.
no matter how much i hate to admit, it's right.
the irrational, the crazed, and the damaged...
is one hundred percent accurate.

i can't help it.
i am torn in believing two truths.
that i am over it, and that i'm moving on.
and yet, a part of me is still stuck in the past.
and i don't know if that part is willing to break free.

i can say this for sure, every part of me wishes things were different then they are.
that i didn't have to let go, and that i didn't have to stop.
but i knew, somewhere deep and buried, i knew,
that it was the only way to keep from shattering.
to keep from breaking apart.

i need to be the friend to my heart.
because most of the time i refuse to be.
i've spent a lot of time,
wondering and thinking of what's best for me.
and even though at the time i believed the opposite,
you are not what's best.

i've wished a lot.
and the most was wishing that it wasn't true.
that everything that was there, was real.
but i know now, after being hit with harsh reality,
that it was fake.

it's a bittersweet feeling.
the sighing in early morning and late evenings.
i'm not being critical, i'm just being honest.
that's something i always have to do, right?
and in all honesty, i'll miss you.
your laugh, your character, your opinions, your grace,
and your presence in my life.

but i'll be okay.
that's about enough of a goal that i can make right now.
a simple, easy, hopefully achievable goal.
i wish you all of the luck in the world.
and i hope that you don't forget.

it's been great.
but it's time for a new chapter.
and with reluctance,
i'm closing this one.

maybe i'll find someone like you
i wish nothing but the best for you, too
don't forget me, i beg, i remember you said
sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

with love and light,
eve morgan