Compensation.

i wake up, feeling five pairs of eyes on me.
i turn and look, but i only see one.
hers.
i force myself to turn back, facing front.
i get up, do my usual routine, and leave to increase my education.
again, i have eyes on my back.
i turn and there's only one. but it doesn't look at me anymore.
it walks past, head towards the ground.
leaving me standing in the rain, with so much guilt.

it hasn't really hit me yet.
it doesn't really feel true, because i see and just want to wave.
to speak, to say anything.
then i remember. it hits me all over again, and that wish of waving and speaking have gone to waste.
"things change."

two birds on a wire
one tries to fly away and the other
watches him close from that wire
he says he wants to as well but knows he's a liar

i know that it's what's best.

for now, in my mind. still hoping and wishing for just a little conversation.
but knowing rationally, it's almost impossible.
for the first time, i wish to be naive. oblivious. unknown.
i won't be knocked down.
but i am just sinking in the wave.

i'll believe it all
there's nothing i won't understand
i'll believe it all
i won't let go of your hand

three more weeks, and i'll be alright.
that's what she says, anyhow. and i completely understand.
i always understand.
maybe that's the mistake. understanding. knowing how they feel, and yet still repeating: "it's okay, i understand."
i try to make myself believe that this is what she wants.
yet i refuse to come to terms. because for once,
we are on different wavelengths.
and i don't know how to get us the same again.
"we can blame it on the rain."

for those who can still recall, the desperate colors of fall
the sweet caresses of May, only in poems remain
no one recites them these days for the shame
so what if nothing is safe, so what if no one's saved
no matter how sweet, no matter how brave
what if each to his own lonely grave?

praying is what keeps me steady. people are what keep me from falling to the floor.
because with others, i can easily forget.
yet when i see her face, it's a reminder.
a reminder of who i am.
and who i am isn't who i want to be.
not if i hurt her, so she'll hurt me.
it's just compensation.

i don't want to live without you

with love and light,
eve morgan