Turn These Diamonds Straight Back Into Coal

i haven't written on this blog in almost another year.
i haven't really been writing at all these days.
but i feel like it's finally time to.

these last few months have been the weirdest, most mind altering change that i have had since leaving my home to the city four years ago.
nothing too physical has changed.
i'm still at the same job, which is surprising to me because at this point of the year, it's usually time to leave.
i haven't moved away or left the city, like most do when throwing their cap in the air.
i'm still in the same house, with (almost) the same roommates.
i still consider the same people my best friends.
so i guess most of the change has been in my mind.

remember when our songs were just like prayers
like gospel hymns that you called in the air
come down, come down sweet reverence
unto my simple house and ring
and ring

i've been coming to terms with my person, although i am changing all the time.
i set out goals that i know haven't been met,
but like a great actor i admire once said,
"My hero, that I keep chasing is me, but ten years later. And ten years after that, my hero is me 15 years later. I never catch up, but I keep chasing."
i need to understand that i'll never be the perfect person that i want to be.
we're too human,
too many experiences and interactions get in the way of that ultimate goal.
and i'm beginning to be okay with that.

ring like silver, ring like gold
ring out those ghosts on the ohio
ring like clear day wedding bells
were the belly of the beast and the sword that fell,
we'll never tell

i guess you can say that i've been succeeding in what's pushed for me.
my job.
living on my own and finding peace when home.
my love life, though ultimately complicated, finally settling down.
my relationships with people.

but my like my father always says:
"happiness is between your ears."

no matter how much good or bad is thrown your way, you can either use it as an advantage towards yourself, or let it push you down, making you unable or unwilling to pick yourself up.
why let yourself drown for something that won't even take a step in the water?

for once, i can say that i'm unwilling to let things topple me over.
time to be stone instead of paper.
although leave some cracks,
because i still like the feeling of the wind.

that tall grass grows high and brown
well i dragged you straight in the muddy ground
and you sent me back to where i roam
well i cursed and i cried, oh but now i know
now i know

i'm doing just fine.
twists and turns but i've finally figured out a good middle ground.
it's never good to go from zero to 100.
because there's never time for anything in between.
and i'm tired of burning myself out.

it's been a hard year.
but i can't complain, because with hard times,
there's growth.

with love and light,
Eve Morgan

This is what you get when you tell me to write.

i know my life is better
because you're a part of it
i know without you by my side
that i'd be different

i almost have no words.
but you told me to write again...
you probably never thought it was going to be about you.

i don't think you understand
that when you tap me,
my cheeks feel ferocious like fire,
my brain automatically transferring a message
saying you want my attention just as much
as i crave yours.

thank you for all of your trust
thank you for not giving up
thank you for holding my hand
i've always known where you stand

last time i was on an airplane, i wasn't scared.
the turbulence of take off usually frightens me.
but the thought of
your hand in mine,
had my drumming heart,
pause
as i lifted towards the sky.

when you pop up in my thoughts,
your laugh is what comes first.
then your calm concern when i told you my worst memory.

i still recall that night.
how i flooded the room,
and how while i was drowning
you swam.
and helped me to shore
to breathe.

thank you for all you're about
thank you for lifting me up
thank you for keeping me grounded
and being here

i cannot imagine you gone.
you joke about moving away,
but my stomach churns,
because i don't want jokes to become reality.

sometimes i think you know.
that you know simply watching TV with you
is heaven for me.

sometimes i think you know all the attention our friendship gets.
how much people talk and wish and hope
and i'm by far the biggest fan.

sometimes i think you know that i'm in love with you.
and sometimes i conclude you feel the same.

love is where this begins
thank you for letting me in

i've tried to bring it up.
casually slipping in your care,
but my words come up short, my tongue-tied
up in knots
so much so that a seamstress couldn't even untangle
this mess we've made.

but i'd rather live with you in a hurricane.
then wake up alone after the storm.

above all,
you're my best friend.
and i wouldn't give up that for anything.
even your love.

yes, my life is better
and so is the world we're living in
i'm thankful for the time i've spent
with my best friend

Time Is Dancing

last night was one of the most wonderful moments of my existence.
to some, it was just another concert that they could cross off their bucket-list.
but waiting for something after years
feeling that blissful ignorance of the outside world
your mind, body, soul
consuming and absorbing all sound...
the only thought i had all night was
This.

hold it in, now let's go dancing
i do believe we're only passing through
wired again, now look who's laughing
you again, oh you, oh you, oh you

afterwards, with adrenaline and supreme physical fatigue
i began to find myself calculating
understanding
studying
the very moments in my life that i held dear
moments that flashed behind my iridescently dark pupils
during BH's euphoric, tender performance of my favorite tune.

now she's caught between
what to say and what she really means
and i am finally colouring
inside the lines that i live between

valentine's day is coming up.
and i am without an S.O.
now, understand
i am not here to express my loss
or my lack of passion and love.

when i think of love and tenderness,
my mind does not jump to holidays
birthdays
or conversations.

it's the time in between.
sitting in K's car, watching his eyes lay to rest and pretending the same with mine when his opened.
wiping away S's tears with both my thumbs as i held his head in my hands.
feeling the wind rustle my shirt as we lay in the dirt, gazing at the city skyline.
staring at the ceiling with one single crack; a pause between a hard conversation.
waking up with those green fields staring right at me at daybreak.

wrapped up in empathy
the chemicals are pushing past my blood
hold all my cliches at the tip of my tongue
to tell you that it's love

the wisdom's in the words sung by your mouth.
i've been keeping too many secrets to myself lately.

i have felt love and let it come to pass
unwilling and unable to voice the fiercing flame
beneath my chest
too many times over.
my heart is like a volcano
ready to explode.

i still wonder if knowing another's care for you or others
is the smart move.
feelings are feelings
they are there regardless of words or conversation.

but i'm beginning to understand the weight underneath your tongue
cramming down the fire
trying to flush it out with stupid jokes or laughs or ridiculous conversation
hoping that with enough bullshit,
you'll eventually put out the flame.

well i'm sorry to say, but that fire is still burning bright.

and i still have feelings for you.

hold it in, now let's go dancing
i do believe we're only passing through
wired again, now look who's laughing,
me again, all fired up on you

oh you, oh you, oh you

with love and light,
Eve Morgan

Fake It Till You Make It

Wow.
It's 2015.
Year number 4 for this blog.

I honestly forgot this existed for a little while until I showed a friend that I do still write every now and again.
I keep journals and notebooks, but I don't know, there's just something about typing on a computer that satisfies my craving need for utilizing technology for my passions, and in this case, writing.

I'm not even quite sure what I'm writing today exactly. For the past few weeks of this new year, it's been spent working, starting new classes, meeting up with old and new friends, as well as rethinking careers and getting ill within the first week of school.

I'm tired.
I'm frustrated.
I'm annoyed.
I'm depressed & desperate.
I'm struggling.
I'm worrying.
I'm wishing & hoping.
I'm trying.

None of the things on that list comes remotely close to "happiness" or "content" or even "euphoric".

I consider myself to be a well-all, happy person.
And I am most of the time.
I'm just beginning to wonder if this "fake it till you make it" thing is actually invading not just in my academic and my career-driven world, but in the personal, inner-working world of my mind.

It's a scary feeling.
A terrifying thought.
I definitely am beginning to think that worrying is what my brain does most.

When I get a headache, I think I have a tumor.

When my arm or chest hurts, I believe whole-heartedly that there's a heart attack or stroke coming on.

I worry about tests
papers
keeping up with the news to keep up my grade
my writing skills diminishing day by day
whether or not women find me intimidating and hard to be around
whether the title "home-wrecker" is just a rumor or if there's actually truth to that accusation
my friends and I and if those connections are as strong as they used to be or if they've become weaker...

the list goes on and on.

I really really want 2015 to be something that makes me proud of my decisions and my accomplishments in the following years.

But right now, it seems to be just another year of worry and another year without rest.

Maybe it's finally time to have a conversation with God again.
Because that seems to be the only thing to calm my senses and get me centered again.
And man, do I want to be centered.

I want to make 2015 a good one.
These are my good years right?
The young, carefree, exciting years.

So let's make 'em count, shall we?

It's a New Dawn, New Day, New Life

Welcome to the end of 2014.
I know it's only December 30th, but with all the wishes and resolutions and celebrations, I won't have time tomorrow to gather my thoughts, sit down, and write how this past year has affected my life and changed my perspective.

This year has been full of new changes as well as some remaining stability.
Friends let go.
New friends emerged and carved themselves in my mind and heart.
Tough discussions and classes arose and man, was it a tough fight.
I left one job and started anew.
Finally picked a minor,
and am finally feeling confident in the major I chose.

This year held a lot of heart.
But a lot of pieces broke and glue had to be used.
I can't tell you how many hours I've spent sitting,
gluing the pieces back together.

But with every remake, every remodel,
It's a new form.
A new shape.
And although I am changing, it is interesting to meet a different version of myself.
There are some similarities to every new me,
and I know that all of them are stable.
All of them are kind.
All of them keep the ones they love tight (sometimes almost too tightly.)
All of them are strong.

This past year had held some of the largest struggles I've had thus far.
I lost a dear friend that meant the world to me,
took classes that I thought I was failing,
switched job paths and was thrown into a new environment,
took on bills and payments and loans,
and here I am still standing.

There's a lot of trials.
And contemplation of failure.
But what I've learned is,
through this past year,
through 2014,
is that although I may fail,
get up and try again,
I have hands to help me back up.
Some hands different, some hands the same.
But although you may fail,
you do not fail alone.
And that is comforting.

Although in the general sense of things, 2014 wasn't that large of a year,
(besides the various concerts that myself and friends attended in the city),
I have learned valuable lessons.
That's what living is all about right?
Learning.
Struggling.
Becoming Strong.
And finding happiness through it all.

And I can tell ya,
although this year was the toughest yet,
I'm content,
and excited for the year ahead.

Get ready 2015.
Eve Page is ready to strike.
Put up your guns,
because I'm intending to win this fight.

Happy New Year, folks.

With Love and Light,
Eve Morgan (Page)

Go Outside

i love fall.
i love coming home to the different colored leaves and a chill where i could see my breath when i breathed.

fall is the change.
the transition.
the colors change and fall, just like people do in their millennial years.
i love fall but i hate transitions.
however, i'm becoming susceptible to change.

i come home for break and it feels weird and scary.
my favorite coffee shop has raised prices and different signs.
my old place of work has new employees who don't know my name.
the cat that used to crave my attention,
is replaced by two felines that can't wait to leave my grasp.

when i come home, i feel at first like nothing has changed.
but so many things have.
including myself.

i'm not sure whether these changes are good or bad ones.
and i'm not sure if i like that they are happening.
but change welcomes itself into your home whether you like it or not.
it's inevitable.

i've been in a fight with myself lately.
on whether or not my actions are justified.
or whether or not they are smart decisions or just stupid ones.
i tell myself i have a right to be stupid now.
because 5, 10, or 15 years later,
there's too much a risk for idiocy.
but then my argument is
"don't be stupid. period."
i'm trying my hardest,
but sometimes i feel like i'm disappointing that thought.

i've been told by a distant friend that i'm doing exactly what i'm supposed to be doing.
but who established the rules here?
where's the authority?
is it just what society is telling me to do, or is it just the right set of emotions and the right set of actions?
i'm "supposed" to feel trapped.
i'm "supposed" to question everything i'm doing.
i'm "supposed" to wait for my life to start.
i'm "supposed" to get a degree and begin this 'amazing' career path.
i'm "supposed" to work hard and run myself dry.
i'm "supposed" to wonder if the person i am now is the person i want to be.
i'm "supposed" to struggle.
i'm "supposed" to be sad.
i'm "supposed" to be empty.

well fuck that logic.
logic has never really helped me in the first place.
i've seen logic come between connection,
destroy our planet,
and send people into war where there should be peace.
to me, it seems like the logical decisions are the destructive ones.
so again,
fuck that.

screw the logic.
screw what you're "supposed" to do.
i want to be proud of who i am.
not just proud of what i've done.

and who i am now isn't strong enough to go against the odds.
so i know more fully than ever,
that i gotta get out of this house
out into the open
and get stronger.

and dammit, i will.
i just gotta get outside.

with love and light,
eve morgan

My "Day Off"

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop to look around once in a while, you could miss it."

let's just say i've been missing it a lot.
my roommate keeps complaining that i'm never home.
that i'm not there.
that i'm not present.

when i come back, when i lug my body up those 12 steps of stairs, push open the gate, and walk into a place that has my name on the lease.
it feels empty.
it feels unfinished.
and dammit, i hate transitions.

my bed, a thing i used to find comforting and warm after a long day,
is now a black hole, ready to shroud me into darkness,
sucking me in so i never want to get up, never want to move.
and darkness is scary when you're alone.

there has been a feeling,
gnawing my skin raw.

i quit my job and started another.
my mind's been screaming for change,
something that i've tried but never wanted,
but hey, with enough repetition,
you kind of start to like the taste.

sometimes i want to drop everything, pack up my things,
and get the hell outta dodge.
drive through the day and through the night
but oh wait, there's no car.
oh wait, there's no future.
oh wait, there's no familiarity.
oh wait, there's no one there.
no one on the open road
except for me and a pile of things.

i want something to be different.
all this change is happening, but it's not the right kind.
it's like a puzzle piece,
shaped almost exactly like the space you need to fill,
but it can't quite fit.
no matter how much you want it to.

you still have to find the last piece.

i'm still looking.
but in all my searches,
i keep missing the beauty and offerings of this world.
so maybe picking up my life isn't a bad thing.
it's just exploring the world.
good and bad,
evil and ugly,
gorgeous and breathtaking.

"Adventure is out there."

and by God, i want to see it.but i just wish i had a partner to see it with.