Stuck on the Outside.

there are a lot of times,
when i wonder what i'm doing here.
what my purpose is in this world.
what i'm going to do,
what i'll accomplish,
whose lives i'm going to change.

i sit back,
leaning against white tile,
struggling to breathe.
starting off black, and ending with white.
but i still feel gray.

i can't hang on
to what i want when i'm stretched so thin
it's all too much to take in
i can't hold on
to anything watching everything spin
with thoughts of failure sinking in

for the first time,
my mind is boggled.
like the poison is seeping in,
blocking my view of anything,
everything that's right,
is suddenly cloudy.

just when i think i can remove myself,
i'm shoved back in.
the same face popping back up.
and i can't escape.

what do i do to ignore them behind me?
do i follow my instincts blindly?
do i hide my pride in these bad dreams
and give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?

i don't want to give in.
i don't want to restrict myself.
"it's my life."
yet sometimes,
thoughts of her dominate.
and i can't help wanting,
to jump on a bus
or train,
or plane,
to knock some sense.

yet hypocracy evades me.
because i know i'm just as immature.
just as naive.
just as vulnerable.

do i sit here and try to stand it?
or do i try to catch them red-handed?
do i trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
or do i trust nobody and live in loneliness?

maybe it's not the fact i can't trust.
but the fact of who i let in.
and maybe,
who walked into my fortress,
hasn't yet cracked all the way through the glass.

all that baracades,
is the sea of green.
and when i pull out for air,
all i see is a forest.
of beautiful, lush green.
a green that is not real.

just like the dreams.

how do you think i've lost so much
i'm so afraid, so out of touch
how will you expect i will know what to do
when all i know is what you tell me to

i'm living by their rules.
without realizing.
drowning the the sleeplessness.
yet smiling at a dawn.
a new day is ahead.
and that's all i need to know.

maybe, someone will come along the way,
and i'll change their life.
just like you changed mine.

with love and light,
eve morgan