It's a New Dawn, New Day, New Life

Welcome to the end of 2014.
I know it's only December 30th, but with all the wishes and resolutions and celebrations, I won't have time tomorrow to gather my thoughts, sit down, and write how this past year has affected my life and changed my perspective.

This year has been full of new changes as well as some remaining stability.
Friends let go.
New friends emerged and carved themselves in my mind and heart.
Tough discussions and classes arose and man, was it a tough fight.
I left one job and started anew.
Finally picked a minor,
and am finally feeling confident in the major I chose.

This year held a lot of heart.
But a lot of pieces broke and glue had to be used.
I can't tell you how many hours I've spent sitting,
gluing the pieces back together.

But with every remake, every remodel,
It's a new form.
A new shape.
And although I am changing, it is interesting to meet a different version of myself.
There are some similarities to every new me,
and I know that all of them are stable.
All of them are kind.
All of them keep the ones they love tight (sometimes almost too tightly.)
All of them are strong.

This past year had held some of the largest struggles I've had thus far.
I lost a dear friend that meant the world to me,
took classes that I thought I was failing,
switched job paths and was thrown into a new environment,
took on bills and payments and loans,
and here I am still standing.

There's a lot of trials.
And contemplation of failure.
But what I've learned is,
through this past year,
through 2014,
is that although I may fail,
get up and try again,
I have hands to help me back up.
Some hands different, some hands the same.
But although you may fail,
you do not fail alone.
And that is comforting.

Although in the general sense of things, 2014 wasn't that large of a year,
(besides the various concerts that myself and friends attended in the city),
I have learned valuable lessons.
That's what living is all about right?
Learning.
Struggling.
Becoming Strong.
And finding happiness through it all.

And I can tell ya,
although this year was the toughest yet,
I'm content,
and excited for the year ahead.

Get ready 2015.
Eve Page is ready to strike.
Put up your guns,
because I'm intending to win this fight.

Happy New Year, folks.

With Love and Light,
Eve Morgan (Page)

Go Outside

i love fall.
i love coming home to the different colored leaves and a chill where i could see my breath when i breathed.

fall is the change.
the transition.
the colors change and fall, just like people do in their millennial years.
i love fall but i hate transitions.
however, i'm becoming susceptible to change.

i come home for break and it feels weird and scary.
my favorite coffee shop has raised prices and different signs.
my old place of work has new employees who don't know my name.
the cat that used to crave my attention,
is replaced by two felines that can't wait to leave my grasp.

when i come home, i feel at first like nothing has changed.
but so many things have.
including myself.

i'm not sure whether these changes are good or bad ones.
and i'm not sure if i like that they are happening.
but change welcomes itself into your home whether you like it or not.
it's inevitable.

i've been in a fight with myself lately.
on whether or not my actions are justified.
or whether or not they are smart decisions or just stupid ones.
i tell myself i have a right to be stupid now.
because 5, 10, or 15 years later,
there's too much a risk for idiocy.
but then my argument is
"don't be stupid. period."
i'm trying my hardest,
but sometimes i feel like i'm disappointing that thought.

i've been told by a distant friend that i'm doing exactly what i'm supposed to be doing.
but who established the rules here?
where's the authority?
is it just what society is telling me to do, or is it just the right set of emotions and the right set of actions?
i'm "supposed" to feel trapped.
i'm "supposed" to question everything i'm doing.
i'm "supposed" to wait for my life to start.
i'm "supposed" to get a degree and begin this 'amazing' career path.
i'm "supposed" to work hard and run myself dry.
i'm "supposed" to wonder if the person i am now is the person i want to be.
i'm "supposed" to struggle.
i'm "supposed" to be sad.
i'm "supposed" to be empty.

well fuck that logic.
logic has never really helped me in the first place.
i've seen logic come between connection,
destroy our planet,
and send people into war where there should be peace.
to me, it seems like the logical decisions are the destructive ones.
so again,
fuck that.

screw the logic.
screw what you're "supposed" to do.
i want to be proud of who i am.
not just proud of what i've done.

and who i am now isn't strong enough to go against the odds.
so i know more fully than ever,
that i gotta get out of this house
out into the open
and get stronger.

and dammit, i will.
i just gotta get outside.

with love and light,
eve morgan

My "Day Off"

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop to look around once in a while, you could miss it."

let's just say i've been missing it a lot.
my roommate keeps complaining that i'm never home.
that i'm not there.
that i'm not present.

when i come back, when i lug my body up those 12 steps of stairs, push open the gate, and walk into a place that has my name on the lease.
it feels empty.
it feels unfinished.
and dammit, i hate transitions.

my bed, a thing i used to find comforting and warm after a long day,
is now a black hole, ready to shroud me into darkness,
sucking me in so i never want to get up, never want to move.
and darkness is scary when you're alone.

there has been a feeling,
gnawing my skin raw.

i quit my job and started another.
my mind's been screaming for change,
something that i've tried but never wanted,
but hey, with enough repetition,
you kind of start to like the taste.

sometimes i want to drop everything, pack up my things,
and get the hell outta dodge.
drive through the day and through the night
but oh wait, there's no car.
oh wait, there's no future.
oh wait, there's no familiarity.
oh wait, there's no one there.
no one on the open road
except for me and a pile of things.

i want something to be different.
all this change is happening, but it's not the right kind.
it's like a puzzle piece,
shaped almost exactly like the space you need to fill,
but it can't quite fit.
no matter how much you want it to.

you still have to find the last piece.

i'm still looking.
but in all my searches,
i keep missing the beauty and offerings of this world.
so maybe picking up my life isn't a bad thing.
it's just exploring the world.
good and bad,
evil and ugly,
gorgeous and breathtaking.

"Adventure is out there."

and by God, i want to see it.but i just wish i had a partner to see it with.

I'm Ready To Go Right Now

i just realized i watch too much T.V.
my imagination is too wild.
instead of feeling grounded and okay with her uneven words,
i just thought of sand.
piles and piles of sand.
shivering hands pushed into jacket sleeves,
and tires screeching over sobs.

curling and uncurling.
my wrists hurt.
hazing my horizons.
my head hurts.

it's ridiculous how so much time can pass but things can stay the same.
like the way she let everything go.
how the hugs felt when i visited home.
the sobs over the phone.
and how you still show up even when you aren't supposed to.

that's how i know.
they are the green light and the rest are the yield.
and i really want to race.
so why are all the red lights in my way?

maybe it's time to press down the gas pedal anyway.
the faster you go, the quicker you'll get to where you wanna be.

and i'm not sure i want to be here.
but i know that i don't want to be driving alone.

You Gotta Learn to Love Yourself.

there's something about sitting in a coffee shop with a ceramic mug and a computer that brings out the writer in me.
it's unfortunate that i only find this feeling in a shop back home instead of in the city where i'm trying to start anew.
the more i'm there, i slowly forget about this blog,
forget about my notebooks and journals,
and i live instead of write what i wish to do when scribbling.

although adventuring has it's perks,
i still like to reflect once in a while.
reflect on my choices,
my battles,
my struggles,
and how i grasped happiness through it all.
well,
i'm still trying to attain that last one.
but isn't everyone?

screw California
and friends that are never there
and places that they oughta
pretend that they even care

for a long time, i considered myself weak.
weak-willed, passive, and scrawny;
trying to lift the heaviest of boxes
just to make a point.
i'm not as weak as you think i am.
and i'm surprised and eager to say,
i wasn't just speaking to others when that thought crossed.
i was proving it to myself.

i am not a weak girl.
although it may seem so, i've got muscle.
and that doesn't just mean physicality either.

i've been in fights with my own mind,
but down the bad thoughts went, K.O.

i've had remake people's orders and listen to screaming words.
but i keep a smile and still say "have a nice day."

i've gotten my heart-broken,
but i can bend down and pick up the pieces.

i've lost people i care about and love,
doesn't mean i don't smile when i think about them.

i've been kicked around, beat up and all around abused.
and instead of crying in bed, unable to get up,
i'm running.
i'm traveling.
i'm lifting myself to a higher point.
i'm living my life instead of letting it pass me by.

although you are gone, and hey, you always have been,
i'm not going to back down and cower away.
i'll walk into the light,
look up at the sky, and think

"wow. what a great day it is to live."

and i'll smile.
with
or without you,
i'll still find a way to smile.

with love and light,
eve morgan

I Had a Panic Attack Today.

this is how i feel.
that i'm sinking.
falling through the dark water until i hit the bottom.
i know i haven't hit bottom.
but i'm tired of holding my breath until i do.

i was at a scientific event yesterday with a friend,
and i watched as these two girls explained everything that had to do with the eye.
i knew the basics.
what a cornea, iris, pupil, rods, and cones were;
but i was stuck on the fact of the girls explaining the pupil.
"it's just a big hole in your eye."
is that why i sometimes get lost when i look at someone else's eyes?
is that why i get lost looking at yours?

that's how i feel right now.
that my life is just one big black hole
and i find myself getting lost.
either entranced or just stuck,
i'm not sure.

today, whilst coffee with another friend,
i found myself contemplating.
contemplating my strengths
along with my weaknesses.
and man, is the level uneven.

i've found out i'm not who i want to be a while ago.
i haven't changed much, no, but the changes are something foreign,
and unlike how i ever imagined myself being.
i don't think it's from lack of a certain thing,
or just a plethora of another things and moments flashing in my vision.

my heart hurts.
literally as well as metaphorically.
and i thought i used to know why,
but like a lot of things,
i just don't know what's happening anymore.

and i'm not sure if i'm capable
to withstand the winds of change.
i'm not sure if i'm the captain of this ship,
or just a member of the crew.

i'm probably the anchor.
just sinking in the sea.

with love and (hopefully) light,
Eve Morgan

Too Much Armor is Dangerous.

you are my crutch.
and i wish you weren't.

it's one of those "after spring break" moments where i'm just done.
tired of being stressed and tired,
sleeping less hours than i need,
and instead of waking up refreshed, i wake up drained.

i'm not sure if these feelings are emerging because it's close to the end of another school year,
or if it's close to another realm of changes.
i've been feeling a lot of change lately.
and i'm not sure if i'm handling it the way i should be.

the only thing that seems to help anymore is coffee & snapchat.
and too much of that isn't healthy for my body or mind.

i don't want to be the girl that has crutches.
i can stand and walk tall, thank you.
just because i have a limp doesn't mean i need something or someone to hold onto.

but as months pass,
i grow more and more into mourning.
mourning the people that left,
and missing the people that are absent for now.

i think i'm becoming too guarded.
i used to think that that was okay,
but i'm beginning to think otherwise.

i think i'm just worrying too much for my own good.
i need to step back and enjoy where i am,
enjoy what i'm doing,
and enjoy who i'm with.

i'll be halfway done with college soon.
gotta soak in as much as i can,
before it's over for good.

Healthy State of Mind

i went on a run today.
that seems normal, but for me, it was a feat.
but it was needed.
with my state of health right now, it was definitely
a necessity.

i was afraid of not being able to make it past a mile.
i was afraid that my lungs would tighten and my head would feel light,
a little too light to make any sense of anything.
but when my feet hit the pavement, and i started working my legs,
it felt like i'd been doing this a while now,
not just starting today, the first time this year.

all i could think about was the sound of my steps,
the constant stomp of my feet that was even louder than the screaming music in my ears.
i made sure to concentrate on breathing.
one. inhale through the nose.
two. exhale through the lips.
one.
two.
one.
two.
it went well with my heartbeat and stood tall against the pain in my sides.
all i paid attention to was the rhythm of my lungs, music, and feet.

i definitely needed a run.

i'm beginning to believe that this toothpick standing in my mirror,
isn't just small in appearance.
i feel boxed in.
shoved away on a shelf like a book that was only read once.
or a toy that the child was growing too old for.
that's how i feel against my own mind sometimes.
that i'm growing tired of myself.
and maybe that's why i keep changing.

but the running helps.
the fact that i'm improving my body,
distracts me from the fact that i haven't been improving my mind.

but reading helps.
studying helps.
feeling like i'm using my time to my advantage helps.
i've had too much down-time lately.
many people would give me a face just for reading that line.
but i can't sit still.
i can't be still because i can't be alone with me.
not when there's so much more of me i can be.

i went on a run today.
and dammit, it felt good.

Too Many Voices, Too Many Thoughts

Sometimes I feel like I'm spreading myself too thin.
I'm still recovering from a 3 week illness.
Going from one virus to another,
I feel I'm not just infecting myself, but the others around me.

College, as I was told, are the "best years of my life".
Carefree and full of life.
Sometimes I feel that way,
but then I feel like I'm stuck in a cage.
I'm being fed and being cared for,
but my legs are cramped and my body's sore.
I just want to get out and run, feel the air twist and turn, and just
be alive.

I want to feel like what I'm doing is making a difference.
And I'm beginning to feel that these changes,
are ones that I don't want to accept.
I want to mold them into my own sculpture.
Not somebody else's that I was meant to copy.
Everyone has their own masterpiece.

I have no clue what my masterpiece is.
And I've been searching, but no luck thus far.
But maybe that's not the point.
Maybe it's okay to just sit back, relax, and let the river run it's course.
Well, I've been known to make the ride rocky,
but maybe it's good to let the ship sail instead of sink.
(We all know who won the battle between the Titanic and the Ice-burg).
I don't want to be the Ice-burg.

Like Ben Howard says,
Keep your Head Up
Keep your Heart Strong

My head's feeling heavy, but I'll look straight ahead.
My heart's had some tears, but I'm patching up the seams.

The storm is calming down.
Although the sea is peaceful and my ship is still standing,
I just really need to find some peace of mind.

Loyal vs. Royal.

one of my friends asked me the weirdest question yesterday.
"So, which one of us do you think you'll marry later on in life?"
he meant out of my friends, here in college. the closest guy friends to me.
which person would end up with 10 or 20 years from now?

there's a reason why those boys are my friends and not my boyfriends.
i don't like getting my heart stepped on,
so why take it out from the glass with the harm of someone breaking it?

let me tell you, the people in my life aren't just drawn from a head without pause.
they are carefully selected.
my definition of a friend is very critical.
that might seem selfish or conceited, but you would understand after a handful of people have dropped the art that is your heart.
i've recreated the art several times,
but it's never gone back to it's original form.

i don't like people leaving.
the thought of packing bags makes me angry.
and the thought of arguments and fights scare me.
that's why i stray away from multiple bags
and avoid fights at any cost.
even if it costs my own thoughts.

it's the same thing with relationships for me.
i don't go half-assed into things.
when i take a chance, it's a big deal.
"sink or swim" - fail or succeed.
i'd rather know that i had something near me to keep me afloat
than know i couldn't swim
but dive into the water anyway.

i dove only once,
feeling invigorated and ecstatic,
but soon, i remembered
what it was like to drown.

i'm learning how to swim.
with the help of my friends, i can kick the water, keeping my head up.
keep myself breathing.

the people that resonate in my life are not taken lightly.
i'd rather be the girl with loyal's,
than the girl with royals.

now the question is,
are you a loyal
or a royal?

My Head's a Ship; My Mind's an Anchor.

it's 11pm.
and my body and mind are wide awake.
that's weird for me lately, because i've been,
falling
drowning
in exhaustion
and stress.
"but the semester just started".
don't remind me.
don't get me wrong, i'm
interested
excited
and ready for the work ahead.

but sometimes
during days like this
i wonder
and think
about summer
the carefree days.
my friends and family tell me
"your memory is too good"
yeah, with the fucked up shit.
like, what you were wearing last time we hung out
and the time stamp of the last text i sent you.
but i can't remember the simple
phrase
or equation
that i learned less than
a month ago.

what i do remember:
the way your face looked when you laughed at my stupid jokes.
or how you sighed when you explained your deepest fears.
i remember
skipping across the street
the way your hand felt on my thigh
and the compressed feel in my chest
whenever there was mention
of your name.

i hate my memory;
it's untrustworthy.

i'm stuck with
reminders
screaming at me
in the middle of the night.
maybe that's why i'm awake and unable to sleep.

because these

thoughts

feelings

and memories

are taking over
pushing me over the edge
like an anchor.
and i can't seem to swim back up to the surface
to breathe.

Books & Coffee Shops.

for the first time in a long time, i feel like the old me.
it's the anniversary.
during one of my worst months a year or so back,
i would come here, sit down, drink coffee and read.
immense myself in a book because i couldn't stand being present in my world.
today is not one of those days.

i just wanted to feel like i was doing something.
leaving the house and being alone.
not because i have to, like i would to commute to my job in the city,
but to be completely content with myself,
and do something that makes me happy.

that was my focus last year when people left and i was isolated.
but that focus was lost when others emerged and filled the cavern that was constantly growing, so much so that i was afraid there would be a cave in and i would be losing air.
i've been struggling to breathe.
but for now, my breaths have slowed.
my heart has slowed.
and although i am exhausted, worn out, and sore...
it's nice to finally meditate my mind,
body,
and soul.

i have so many goals for this year,
this year that already foreshadows stress.
but unlike the year before, i am ready for it.
no distractions.
there are no problems and issues that are jumping out of nowhere that can surprise me.
i've been known not to flinch.
i'm going to grow.
i'm going to develop and change and mold myself into a sculpture instead of a slab of rock or stone.

for the first time in a long time, i believe that.
a lot of people find the time of New Year's a period to remember, to mourn and to move on.
screw mourning.
screw remembering.
just live for now,
and plan for later.
and oh boy, i'm planning for later.
there's no bullshitting my life anymore.

it's time to live it.

with love and light,
Eve Morgan

New Dawn, New Day, New Year

happy new year everyone.
instead of going on and on about how my life has changed like i do every year, i'm just going to go with my goals for this upcoming year that, i hope, to be a good one.

my goals that i hope to cross off next January 1st.
1. lower my caffeine intake.
2. give up sugar and try hard to stop eating dairy.
3. try being vegetarian for a month. or even a week.
4. spend more time outside than indoors.
5. make every day count.
6. get a 4.0. GPA.
7. explore the city at least once a week.
8. read more.
9. write more.
10. be a better friend.
11. make amends.
12. lose grudges.
13. be nicer to my family, and more appreciative of them.
14. never think a guy will ever be my safety net.
15. run around the lake without stopping.
16. actually rock climb instead of just talking about it.
17. getting back into my art.

that's only just a few, but there will be many more.
it's a new year.
let's make 2014 a good one.

with love and light,
Eve Morgan