Healthy State of Mind

i went on a run today.
that seems normal, but for me, it was a feat.
but it was needed.
with my state of health right now, it was definitely
a necessity.

i was afraid of not being able to make it past a mile.
i was afraid that my lungs would tighten and my head would feel light,
a little too light to make any sense of anything.
but when my feet hit the pavement, and i started working my legs,
it felt like i'd been doing this a while now,
not just starting today, the first time this year.

all i could think about was the sound of my steps,
the constant stomp of my feet that was even louder than the screaming music in my ears.
i made sure to concentrate on breathing.
one. inhale through the nose.
two. exhale through the lips.
one.
two.
one.
two.
it went well with my heartbeat and stood tall against the pain in my sides.
all i paid attention to was the rhythm of my lungs, music, and feet.

i definitely needed a run.

i'm beginning to believe that this toothpick standing in my mirror,
isn't just small in appearance.
i feel boxed in.
shoved away on a shelf like a book that was only read once.
or a toy that the child was growing too old for.
that's how i feel against my own mind sometimes.
that i'm growing tired of myself.
and maybe that's why i keep changing.

but the running helps.
the fact that i'm improving my body,
distracts me from the fact that i haven't been improving my mind.

but reading helps.
studying helps.
feeling like i'm using my time to my advantage helps.
i've had too much down-time lately.
many people would give me a face just for reading that line.
but i can't sit still.
i can't be still because i can't be alone with me.
not when there's so much more of me i can be.

i went on a run today.
and dammit, it felt good.