I Had a Panic Attack Today.

this is how i feel.
that i'm sinking.
falling through the dark water until i hit the bottom.
i know i haven't hit bottom.
but i'm tired of holding my breath until i do.

i was at a scientific event yesterday with a friend,
and i watched as these two girls explained everything that had to do with the eye.
i knew the basics.
what a cornea, iris, pupil, rods, and cones were;
but i was stuck on the fact of the girls explaining the pupil.
"it's just a big hole in your eye."
is that why i sometimes get lost when i look at someone else's eyes?
is that why i get lost looking at yours?

that's how i feel right now.
that my life is just one big black hole
and i find myself getting lost.
either entranced or just stuck,
i'm not sure.

today, whilst coffee with another friend,
i found myself contemplating.
contemplating my strengths
along with my weaknesses.
and man, is the level uneven.

i've found out i'm not who i want to be a while ago.
i haven't changed much, no, but the changes are something foreign,
and unlike how i ever imagined myself being.
i don't think it's from lack of a certain thing,
or just a plethora of another things and moments flashing in my vision.

my heart hurts.
literally as well as metaphorically.
and i thought i used to know why,
but like a lot of things,
i just don't know what's happening anymore.

and i'm not sure if i'm capable
to withstand the winds of change.
i'm not sure if i'm the captain of this ship,
or just a member of the crew.

i'm probably the anchor.
just sinking in the sea.

with love and (hopefully) light,
Eve Morgan