Behind the Black.

"your life is in motion. keep it going cause you'll never know which crazy direction life will take you. go on the journey and enjoy every minute of it." - L

you said those words to me, so long ago.
i had to dig through piles and piles to find that page.
with all the scribbling. the conversations held by your handwriting.
papers scattered every which way.
drawings and notes and pictures.
everywhere i look, there's a reminder.

four years.
four long, crazy, destructive, repairing, loving years.
filled with moments of frustration,
moments of laughter,
moments of seriousness,
and moments of complete confusion.
complete disaster.
a disaster that apparently became too large. too massive to control.
and in the end, it destroyed.
and left nothing to be fixed.

"you're my best friend. you support me and love me. you make good choices even when it's hard. you don't want to wrong yourself too badly. i love you!"

i didn't make the good choice when it counted.
i've wronged myself, and you, too many times.
there's no excuse.
there's no apology, because i know,
it won't be enough.

time will tell the future.
none of us can expect, because we always receive the unexpected.
life throws us curve balls.
and we have no idea how we can catch it,
without going through pain.
through heartache.

distinctly through the halls, there was many rooms. rooms of the mind, cluttered and filled with memories. there was a hallway, completely dedicated to L+E.
the doors were shut closed. i walked by noticing the titles of each, smiling but still troubled to know that they weren't open. and that they were painted black.

behind the black there was so much.
waiting in line to see a stupid twilight movie at midnight.
dressing up as strawberry shortcake girls at halloween.
watching cloudy with a chance of meatballs with B, then going nuts, acting like cats.
interesting nights at K's house.
sitting on the couch at W, laughing so hard with the people around us.
engaging conversations about silly crushes.
states away, still video-chatting on christmas day.
dancing in the kitchen, making cake.
crying in the moonlight, and hugging until it stops.
and laughing until we almost died.

the faith you have inspires me
the hope you have defines me
the love you have confines me

i suffer no more because of you
i open up more because of you

you help me grow
and i to you.

saddens and darkness are gone
for you have brightened my life.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Night and Day.

two years ago.
seems like forever ago if i think about it.
i was fifteen.
just becoming a sophomore in high school.
it was still a scary place to me.
i was just starting out.

two years ago.
there were a lot of problems.
decisions and choices didn't feel like they were mine.
still going through self-doubt.
a personality crisis.

a lot of hardships.
a lot of problems, that even now, seem minuscule.
again, i was around fifteen.
back then, i thought i knew everything.

and when it happened, when it began...
i was lost.
confused, left wondering, how i didn't see it coming.
it blindsided me. it took me from behind, and enveloped me into a place.
someplace dark.
and no matter how hard i tried,
the door to light would not budge.

i felt like in moments,
i could disappear.
leave the face of the earth, and no one would ever know.
i'd just blend into the trees, and the streets.
make myself invisible.
and unknown.

there was that night.
one of the worst nights.
one where i felt machines, where there was steel instead of skin.
cold instead of warm.
desperately trying to break free.
as if i was encased in a shell, and i wanted to be exposed.

realization set in.
it removed me from the case, and i exposed myself.
and i could finally see.
there was light, not darkness.
the door finally flooded open,
and i was free.

then came the morning.
the new day.
i could remember vividly.
yawning from a tired sleep, and glancing out of my window.
and instead of seeing the green grass, i saw a different brightness.
all i could see was white.

"snow means His forgiveness, you know."

that day...
changed something in me.
it molded something that was already present, and mixed it in with something totally new.
totally worthy and very pure.
just like the white of the snow outside my bedroom window.
for the first time in months, i smiled.
for real. no force was needed.

leaving everything behind, i threw on boots,
and went into the winter.
the winter winds that changed me.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Stuck on the Outside.

there are a lot of times,
when i wonder what i'm doing here.
what my purpose is in this world.
what i'm going to do,
what i'll accomplish,
whose lives i'm going to change.

i sit back,
leaning against white tile,
struggling to breathe.
starting off black, and ending with white.
but i still feel gray.

i can't hang on
to what i want when i'm stretched so thin
it's all too much to take in
i can't hold on
to anything watching everything spin
with thoughts of failure sinking in

for the first time,
my mind is boggled.
like the poison is seeping in,
blocking my view of anything,
everything that's right,
is suddenly cloudy.

just when i think i can remove myself,
i'm shoved back in.
the same face popping back up.
and i can't escape.

what do i do to ignore them behind me?
do i follow my instincts blindly?
do i hide my pride in these bad dreams
and give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?

i don't want to give in.
i don't want to restrict myself.
"it's my life."
yet sometimes,
thoughts of her dominate.
and i can't help wanting,
to jump on a bus
or train,
or plane,
to knock some sense.

yet hypocracy evades me.
because i know i'm just as immature.
just as naive.
just as vulnerable.

do i sit here and try to stand it?
or do i try to catch them red-handed?
do i trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
or do i trust nobody and live in loneliness?

maybe it's not the fact i can't trust.
but the fact of who i let in.
and maybe,
who walked into my fortress,
hasn't yet cracked all the way through the glass.

all that baracades,
is the sea of green.
and when i pull out for air,
all i see is a forest.
of beautiful, lush green.
a green that is not real.

just like the dreams.

how do you think i've lost so much
i'm so afraid, so out of touch
how will you expect i will know what to do
when all i know is what you tell me to

i'm living by their rules.
without realizing.
drowning the the sleeplessness.
yet smiling at a dawn.
a new day is ahead.
and that's all i need to know.

maybe, someone will come along the way,
and i'll change their life.
just like you changed mine.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Together Again.

reuniting.
sounds simple when you hear it.
it's just like a quick fix.
everything that has happened suddenly washes away.
and you are living only in the moment of now.
the moment with the person you are holding.

one of my greatest friends came back to visit this past weekend.
i couldn't tell you how pleased i was.
i was literally jumping off the walls.
it was like when i stepped in the car, things were back to normal.
music blasted, and all i could feel was excitement,
about the fun we'd have together.

and in turn, during her stay,
i had noticed a certain bravery shining around her.
a bravery that i did not possess.
yet i wanted to.
so, as i saw her leave my room and walk down my hall, i decided.
to be brave.

and i was.
i pushed myself, and in turn,
caught up with an old friend.
again, reuniting seems so simple.
but it really isn't.

i didn't really know what to say.
or what to talk about.
finally, words were exchanged;
after a month of silence.
put in perspective,
the term reuniting feels like it is placed right where you left off.
with talking, it felt like things were back in order.
bringing up old habits.
combined with new conversations.

bravery hit me twice when i caught up with yet another person.
it had been a long time.
it was weird, seeing him on my computer screen.
trying to avoid certain topics,
knowing they'd bring up gray areas.

i see whom i've come across in the past few days,
and i notice something.
friends really are hard to keep track of.
especially when they aren't in close proximity to you.
yet, even so...
it all depends on the friendship, really.
who is worth making effort for.
and who is easily slipped out of your brain.

all i know is that i'm glad that i can reunite.
i'm happy that i can catch up.
i like hearing stories.
and i hope with a certain few,
there will be more stories to come.

"don't give up."

with love and light,
eve morgan

And The World Turned Upside Down.

when things grow and contort into massive things that fathom my mind,
i delve back to my world.
full of hope and wonder.
and for some reason,
i'm a child again.

i can literally see myself.
playing and running with a strange person next to me.
he's wearing white.
yet i cannot seem to see his face.
but the younger version of me is laughing, and smiling so big.
squealing "Daddy."

Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And everything you do
Yeah, it was all yellow

i felt discombobulated.
i didn't understand why in this world, i was a little kid.
then it dawned on me,
like the infinite rising of the sun.
"this was before."
back when life was at it's peak.
untarnished.
and left alone.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love something but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

i watch her, i watch me.
young and full of promise.
i see her playing, and being so beautiful for her father.
her Daddy.
the child is completely happy.
completely untouched.
completely innocent.
and the door to her heart is wide open.
unlike mine.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
I will try to fix you

all i want to do is take her.
the younger me, and hold her in my arms.
i want to protect her from the harshness,
and the pain.
and the struggles.

i see myself take her, and her Father backs away slowly.
towards the light over the hills,
and i watch him disappear.
she willfully jumps into my arms,
smiling one of the biggest smiles.
i can't help but return one.
yet the tears keep coming.

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you try, you'll never know
Just what you're worth

i soak her cute flowing white dress.
clinging to her, to me, like if i let go,
i would collapse.
as hard as i'm squeezing her, she hugs back with just as much force.
it doesn't feel like i'm protecting her.
but like i need her.
the child-like, the innocent,
the open part of me.

Confusion never stops
Closing walls and ticking clocks
Gonna come back and take you home
I could not stop that you now know, singing

You Are
and nothing else compares

i could never forget,
stepping into that world of mine,
and holding her.
yet, what struck me...
was even with all the wisdom i thought i had possessed,
my child version was wiser.
stronger.
instead of holding her, she held me.
and said:

"don't worry. i've got you, and you've got me.
we're together, you see?"

and the rest was left in her smile.

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I
will try to fix you

with love and light,
eve morgan 

Follow Through.

i came to terms today.
to my friends, to my family, and to myself.
there's no point in wasting time in something that is invisible.
that isn't present.
that isn't yours.

on the first day of IC and yet another night at W,
i made a realization.
things really change.
yet the past is still with you wherever you go.
and you just have to accept it.
for all of it.

i look back on my experiences,
and notice that my life is not even beginning.
not yet.
but soon.
maybe in the following years, all the faces i know will disappear.
maybe some from the old will reappear.
only time will tell.

another thing i notice is that music reminds me of A.
never did before.
until i heard "let's make music again."
all my pain from the past lifted a little,
squeezing me through.
like Indiana Jones grabbing at his hat.
i want to grab at her again.

it's awfully silly to freak out about lack of speech.
lack of communication.
when you yourself know that effort hasn't been made back.
it's the same both ways.
i keep reminding myself:
"you need to change that, Eve."

"Be the Change."

it's time to change some things.
my lifestyle should be one of them.
my habits.
my situations.
my feelings.
all i need is a good kick.
then i'll be able to accomplish,
to know what i want,
and how i'm gonna get it.

one day i had needed a walk.
if you've ever felt that, you would know.
i heard something that they believed to be true.
now i'm starting to believe it, too.
"mother nature's always got our back."

go back to the basics.
i remind myself that day in and day out.
so i'm going to travel, and for the first time, backwards.
to where everything was simpler.
and i wouldn't have to deal with "this."
or anything.

i would just be Eve.

Sometimes I wonder where I've been,
do I fit in,
I may not win but I will not be thrown,
Out Here On My Own.

i'm on my own.
even alone, though,
i think i'll find what i need.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Choice Vs. Chance.

i used to dream.
they were weird as hell, but i found them amusing enough.
later on, they got clearer. more vivid.
almost as if it was the real thing.
and when i met you,
i decided not to dream.

i didn't want to think about it.
i also did not want my mind to embellish it, or construe miles of stories that were maybe's.
but my subconscious betrayed me.
it led me back to walk.
to glide, towards what at the time,
seemed like the light.

"do you believe that our lives are by chance,
or by choice?"

it's a bit difficult to believe in fate,
when i know you have made a choice.
one that brings me to fight.
to strike back.
with all that i've got.

yet in all the preparation,
i've lost my drive.
maybe through all this, i don't need to win.
because maybe there's no fight.
maybe the favors aren't actually favor's at all.
they were just fantasies.

i heard a voice that almost sounded like yours.
it scared me at first, because i thought it could be...
but i turned and it wasn't.
i see a car and i think it's yours without question.
but it's not.

i wander,
from place to place.
searching for something else.
anything else.
distracting myself with things and people and objects.
thinking that'll be enough to remove you.
but your on the wall of my mind like a shadow.
one move and you follow me.

i never knew what it was like.
i saw other people living it and i thought,
"man, this is so dramatized."
never knew it could be an understatement.

when i ly at night,
i think of your eyes,
and how they caught the light

i can still remember.
what the experiences have brought me.
frustration.
anxiety.
stress.
sadness.
fear.
strength.
power.
joy.
bliss.

i imagined what i'd be like if i never knew you.
how different everything would be.
i wonder if i would be better, or worse.
but i guess that's how fate works.

i don't know what will happen.
but right now, i seem to have an idea.
so i want to change it.
i don't want this to be "another one of those times".
i want it to mean something.
so it didn't look like i wasted my time.

did you waste yours?

with love and light,
eve morgan