Closer Than Life Admits.

i'm at a certain point.
a point where nothing is set in stone.
a point where i have no idea where i am, or where i want to go.
a certain point that explains,
i don't know what i'm doing.

i can see it like an old home movie.
sneaking out in the middle of the night, and walking to 7-11.
laughing for feeling so rebellious.
i can see her sitting there, and for the first time,
watching her tears slid down her cheeks,
and hearing her secrets.

i keep watching this movie, unable to tear my eyes away.
stumbling at K's house.
hiking until our legs could not bear it anymore.
so many trips in the car, adventures created from missing an exit.
holding her in my arms.
patting her head and telling her it's alright.
praying for her happiness.

the film is never-ending.
yet, i find myself with a knot in my stomach.
like something is going terribly wrong, but i don't know what.
maybe it's my own fear.
maybe it's what other people say.
i refuse to believe the norms.

"people move on. things change."
i always say:
"not us."
"well, you never know."
"no, i DO know. it'll never happen."

i'm trying to keep that belief.
make that statement worth something.
it's probably my own panic.
but i've been called a worrier.

i guess it's just to live for now.
stop worrying about the later.
and keep watching.
because this movie, i hope,
will never end.

with love and light,
eve morgan

If Only.

i wish i could change how i feel.
i wish i could fix what has been broken.
instead of picking up the pieces of glass and throwing them away,
i could be gluing them together so it will be one again.
the cracks may be seen, but it'll be together again.

but that's what happens when your own feelings get in the way.
they mess things up.
feelings cause a lot of stupid decisions that you just know you'll regret.
"why can't things just stay the same?"

i'm so tired.
sick feelings hit my stomach when my head hits the pillow.
thoughts pry into my slumber, awaking me.
i don't get much sleep anymore.

i would give anything to just rest.
without cares and without worries.
like nothing could come in my way.
a clear head, clear mind.
no faces clouding.

amnesia sounds pretty damn good right about now.
the ability to forget used to be avoidable.
but craving it makes it more impossible to achieve.
"good luck finding a miserable amnesiac."

i want to go back.
to that normal day in a favorite city of mine.
and instead of silence, there are words.
meaningful ones.
ones that leave a mark. words that matter.
sometimes it feels like it's too late to say.
but who knows what the outcome will be.

other things stray me away from the bigger picture.
frustration and sickness being some of them.
it's funny how sometimes you take some things so simply.
believing that it will last forever.
but later,
man, are you mistaken.

great words from a movie:
"that's when you've found someone really special. when you can just shut up, and share a comforting silence."
uma said it better than i could.
"what i would give..."

protect those who are in your life.
be strong willed for them.
be there for them.
because even when you think they are doing great,
they just want you there.
doing fine = feeling like crap.
they miss you.
so come back.

"can't things be like they used to be?"

with love and light,
eve morgan

Stranger in a Strange Land.

flashbacks mean their word.
memories from the past that flash through your mind.
like lightning in a thunderstorm.
quick, painless.
until it disappears and you are left with the memory.
and the pain from the electrocution.

i turn on the light.
get out of bed.
unable to remember another dream.
yet, still knowing, and still getting that feeling.
of what it was about.

Dreams, that's where i have to go
to see your beautiful face anymore

sometimes i get that feeling.
like you are sharing a memory, or a distinct thought with someone else.
while they aren't around.
at first you are stunned to know they aren't standing next to you.
but then feel a bit joyful, knowing that there are thoughts of you too.

i want to share your horizon
and see the same sun rising
turn the hour hand back
to when you were holding me

clutching onto a T on a chain, as if it was the only thing to grab.
struggling to keep moments at a distance.
because you know that if you get too close,
you are in the crossfire.

re-reading old things.
notes and texts and pages.
rubbing your temples, whispering to yourself:
"it's okay."
a reassuring pat from a friend that reminds you...
you still have a life to live.

things are not the same, yet its still:
same classrooms.
same streets.
same places to dine.
same people.
yet it feels strange somehow.
like a piece of the puzzle is gone.

Hope, hope there's a conversation

where we both admit we had it good but

until then it's alienation, i know, that much is understood

i keep telling myself there wasn't enough time.
enough weight.
enough power.
enough ability.
but lies are still brooding.
lessons from a place i never thought could hold me.
the impression is still marked on my skin.
yet invisible to everything but brown eyes.

And if i had the chance to renew
there isn't a thing i wouldn't do
i could get back on the right track
but only if you'd be convinced

drowning in the seas that are my slumber.
feeling water on my cheeks the moment my eyes open.
unknowingly carrying a different weight.
so much different then the ones before.

finally i'm forced to face the truth

it comes in waves.
knocking me over until i cannot get up anymore.
so i leave an impression in the sand.
just like the one you left me.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Rules Of the Tunnel.

friends.
friends are either the best thing in the world or the worst thing in the world.
they either push you towards your goals or they keep you from achieving them.
a friend is your greatest adversary.. or your greatest enemy.
friends.

i'd consider myself to be a good friend. most of the time, i am.
in turn, i haven't really made the best of friends.
maybe some who i find special and worthy.
but the rest...
who knows.

it's interesting how easy it is to make friends.
and later to have them slip through your fingers like water.
as if they flow perfectly, but your on solid ground and they are unable to grasp.
you are unable to flow with them.
unable to connect.
but you wish you were.

thats what happens over time.
friends come and they go.
some turn into enemies.
others into blurs.
like the whole world is moving...
and you're standing still.

life is full of inconsistencies.
friends being number one among them.
family is never the case.
family doesn't have to be with blood.
its who is consistent.
and there for you for every miniscule flaw.
every tiny tantrum.
every lovely wake.

not enough family is around.
and every one who is considered for it,
ends up disappearing.
never to be heard from.
it's alright, in a way.
"the cycle of life continues."

there are more people in the world.
there are doppelgangers, and look-a-likes.
yet.. they are not the same.
it's just something to live with.

"and the world spins madly on."

with love and light,
eve morgan

Personal Legends.

i'm going through withdrawals.
i will not say what from, or why i am.
it's just that.

let's just say that it's a really difficult process.
but it is one that i must achieve.
because without it..
what will i do?

i've been reading.
quite a bit, i have been reading.
i'm proud to say that my eyes were satisfied with the words.
with the ideas.
and with the messages through them.
lessons come in the most interesting ways.

i take a look around at my life now.
my family, all little worker bees.
a best friend who is proving her worth to her peers and her family too.
i'm included, and i'm so proud.

two great people that have moved away.
missing them like hell, but still happy to receive a call once in a while.
they are fulfilling themselves.
and i am damn happy for them.

the rest is just something to come to peace with.
like making amends when none has been needed.
it just feels like it is.
effort in what has been missing.
finally you are putting the puzzle together.
the puzzle that is you.

sometimes when my brain is "squeezed",
all i want to shout is "stop."
but it doesn't.
it's just lessens.
but the pain recedes.

sun is the sight,
wind is motion,
and the earth is life.

the universe was made to push us.
to test us.
to judge us.
and with that, we must move forward.
never backward, no matter what.
all it wants is for us to achieve our goals.
our missions.
our destinies.

waiting is a word i hate to use.
rest is something unavailable.
for now.
but oh, how it'll feel.
when my work is done.

"life is work."
but with bliss, the work feels like a privilege.
until it doesn't feel like work at all.
then your goal is achieved.

"go after what you want."

with love and light,
eve morgan

Go For It.

i know that when i was younger, i stood on the sidelines.
i just watched as everyone else struggled and persevered, resulting in either accomplishment or failure.
i was never part of the equation.

until i met this loud, slightly obnoxious girl who never stopped pretending.
she took everything head on, and it was admirable.
her other qualities.. maybe not so much.
one thing that made her so unique and different, however...
was her ability to smash the shell wide open, leaving you exposed to the world.
and according to her, you had to take it with joy.
with humor.
with liveliness.

after knowing this person, i was shoved into the game.
into play.
i had no idea what to do, and my face hit dirt again and again.
but i learned that i had to get up.
because if not, i'd get trampled.
i could hear her in my head: "suck it up!"
so i did.

i made myself stand.
no one else helped me up.
it was all me.
and after that, i knew that no one could push me down again.
no one other than myself.

years later, high school hit.
away from that girl and away from the awkward shy one that held my name.
she didn't deserve the title.
they say that people never change.
but that is one of the biggest lies i had ever heard.
for a while i had followed it. i learned my lesson.
one of the best lessons i could have experienced.

so i tried different things. met different people. started dressing, acting, and living differently.
but still trying to keep my old self intact.
like sewing the new fabric into the old that was my heart.
that was my soul.
like the shadow on peter pan, that he just has to keep.
without it it's like you aren't real.

at first, the transition was hard.
going from being the audience member to the one that the audience was watching.
my body just froze the first time i tried a new thing.
it was like ice encased my whole entire body and i could not do anything to move.
now i have a fire that melts the fear away.
and i thank who helped it grow to this very day.

sometimes i don't always succeed.
i may be disappointed, yes, but it's alright.
because the fire gets bigger each time.
like an inferno.
"at first you don't succeed, try try again."

i'm a volcano ready to blow.
you better be ready.
because i'm still trying to be.

but that's the fun of the party.
"get living."

with love and light,
eve morgan

Gravity.

time has grabbed me by the shoulders.
shaking me until i feel sick.
it shouts, "its your moment, leave the ground!" and i shake my head again and again, tears spilling out all over. all around me.
how could i leave who or what has kept me in the grass?
who helped with my steps? how could i knowing that they or it has taught me to keep my feet in front of me?
time again says, softly now: "leave and let go."

the first time i flew i was scared.
freaked out and full of fear.
leaving my comfort zone was something i had never wanted to do, or wanted to experience.
my hands desperately tried to grab the earth beneath me, to hold on; yet that sunset colored rose was shrunken into a dot as my body flew higher from the floor.

moments passed by, and with every leap after..
it began to feel like grace.
like peace.
like bliss.

"something always brings me back to you."

yet, with everything keeping me up, i am cast back down into reality.
my mind doesn't quite understand.
i ask myself why i cannot stay up there with the stars and the clouds.
then my voice repeats my mantra back as if i am learning for the first time.
"but people need you here.
they need you."

faith is a series of calculations
created by an idiot savant.
i'm in love.
i'm alone
in this city of painted boxes
stacked like alphabet blocks
spelling nothing.

so many things and experiences i have been through cross into my utopia, disfiguring the beauty and reforming into something of a nightmare.
all i has wished was to sit up in bed, clutching the front of my shirt and heaving short breaths, but enveloped in relief.
that feeling. "oh, it was only a dream."
if only...

"you loved me 'cause i'm fragile, when i thought that i was strong.
but you touch me for a little while and all that fragile strength is gone."

i begin to review my dreams and what has caused my glass to crack.
i try to analyze what to do, knowing that even one day, it will break.
that it will shatter into millions of pieces.
what's the aftermath?
but the bigger question: how to stop it from happening?
"too little too late."

i guess there's just fate.
tape it around your fingers, and write it with permanent ink.
because that's where it'll stay.

"i live here on my knees as i try to make you see that you're everything i think i need here on the ground.
but you're neither friend or foe and i can't seem to let you go."

the words said by time are again in my mind, like a song that you just hate but you can't seem to remove it from your head.
it just re-plays, and that music of thought has left a scar.
you left a scar.

my heart is like graffiti on a subway train,
a shadow on the wall made by a child.

i cling to love as if it were an answer.
i go on buying,
knowing i'll burn out before the sun.

i wonder what it would be like to burn.
to burn away all your sins.
your insecurities.
to burn your problems away until you are just a fresh piece of meat, waiting to be devoured by another.
like a fresh yet fatal start.
a new self.
burning away your identity.

"here i am and i stand so tall, just the way it's supposed to be.
but you're on to me."

sometimes i want to re-build.
destroy and re-build all the aspects of me.
make myself greater.
better.
stronger.
but i already am what i am meant to be.
that's what you say anyway.
"you are stronger than you appear."
thoughts of me, and your words, are what keep me up.
but i can't just keep standing.

"set me free, leave me be, i don't want to fall another moment into your gravity."

i like to be with the birds.
because they have it so easy.
the earth is filled with ones i care about.
but time had a good point.
"let go."

gravity chains us to the asphalt with such grace
we think it's kind.

no more leaving myself on the floor to be stepped on.
no more scarring.
i will listen to time and i will come to embrace it as well.
it really is a moment to let go.
i just know it'll be the hardest task to manage.

i know this
the way i know
sunrise and sunset
are caused by the endless turning
of the Earth.

with love and light,
eve morgan

"One is the Loneliest Number..."

sitting in my room tonight i got to thinking...
i haven't really said or stated how i feel to my friends.
whether they are still present.
or not.

i'm stealing this from M.
i don't think she'll mind.

H:
you call me your hero.
but can't imagine anyone else more perfect for that title.
your tears are what create mine.
i feel so protective over you.

for A:
i really miss us.
it makes a hole, because i know that time has not done good.
that it needs to rewind back to sleeping in that hot burrito of a bed.
what i loved was daily routines.
and you lying in my lap.

dearest M:
you are crazy.
but i find you courageous and strong.
but soft when you are around me.
worlds apart, i still think we'd find a way to speak.
that's why i have faith in us.

N:
i know you will never read this.
i liked the laughs, and appreciated the sarcasm.
sometimes.
it's interesting how sometimes, we both know when we need a hand.
you're a good worker.

C:
i have no idea why i think of you.
but yet, your laugh comes in my mind.
memories of whales, and of guitar strings.
your one line of advice still sticks in my head.
i'm so grateful for it.

Another A:
you're so darling.
like a cute toy that i can never stop playing with.
knowing it all, you are still so sweet.
don't change.

K:
you make me laugh sometimes, walking down that hall.
i like to tell you things just to see the look on your face.
but it's just so funny.
because with whatever i tell you,
it feels like you're the same as me.

To (yet another) K:
you remind me of gears.
of what gets a motor going.
you spin so fast.
i just hope you don't break down.

i had never expected to be taught,
instead of the one teaching.
i hope i did some good as well.

all of you, i can't thank enough.
i can't believe all the things i notice.
but i'm glad i do.

his widened eyes.
her pouting lips.
his grace with his walk.
her laughter illuminating the world around her.
cracking of his knuckles.
the sorrow in her sighs.
the quiet pace he makes.
the way her lovely eyes cry.

i wish i could keep all of you.
some i'm trying real hard.
but one thing i'll have hope with,
it to remember how it starts.

"friends come first."

with love and light,
eve morgan

Turning Tables.

i've been living in a castle for a long time.
a really long time.
and now it's the moment when the castle is being stormed, and i'm at the the top of the tower just pacing, thinking of anything that could keep these walls from crumbling down.
but they are diminishing.
do i choose to go down along with it proudly?
or do i cower, and scale along to safety?
either way, my comfort zone is shot.

"actions speak louder than words."

that's true in a lot of sense, but since when do we make actions instead of using our words?
people are hurt by words all the time.
even though that's all they are.
words.

what makes it even more ludicrous is that some words hurt us even when they aren't told to our faces.
from another person straight to someone else.
it always passes down the line, like the game "telephone".
and when you play telephone, the phrase or words said at the beginning are completely different than at the start.
it spins out of control.
and that's when "drama" begins.

i don't want to participate in stupid games.
i don't want to listen to others state or repeat something that they know nothing about.
because honestly, that's where immaturity comes from.
"i may act like a kid, but at least i have some class."

but yet, with all that information...
faith still comes into play.
changes up the whole game, until it's not really a game anymore.
it's just hope.
just vigilance.
just faith.

faith in people.
in their words.
in their actions.
in their habits.
and in their character.

it's what makes them who they are.

i have faith in a lot of things.
but sometimes...
it isn't enough.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Jump In.

life definitely does not throw you bones.
life has a love-hate relationship with us.
known fact.

if you read this and say "no"..
then your life is severely screwed up.

i used to say "no."
then i started to experience.
living out and about in the world, and really noticing how things work.
and most of the things that i've seen...
i really don't like.

but i can deal with that.
because i know that i can make it better.
that i have a voice, and my actions are what causes the world to spin.
my decisions, along with everyone else's, is what makes it stable.
makes it available to live.
not everyone's decisions or choices are wise or well thought out.
a lot of them are stupid, demeaning and wrong.

but that's why we have free will.
and opinions and a mind to make choices.
it's our right to choose.

that's why i'm choosing school.
choosing work.
choosing my friends.
choosing art.
choosing theatre.
choosing soccer.
choosing my values.

"you can't handle it."
that's just a lie.

"it'll be too much stress."
that's my burden, and you can't tell me why.

"you can't solve everything."
well, i'm not going to sit idly by.

i'm plunging into the thick.
i'm not going to be stuck in the thin.
no matter how hard the thick of it is...
i'm taking all that i can get, and i know...
i'll win.

with love and light,
eve morgan