What To Do?

i love showers. the way it feels when i step in, the warm water flowing onto my skin. breathing in the steam that resonates in that small space behind the curtain, every single thought is fogged by the thickness of the moist air. showers calm me down when i am stressed, and excite me when i am tired from a long day. sometimes i crave them, because its one part of the house, one action that separates me from the moments and realities of what is around me, around the house, around the city, around the state, around the country, around the world.
i get so disappointed when i know i am cleansed, that now i have to turn the handle to end what has been so serene and peaceful. now i have to return, come back to the present, and deal with the reality.
 
i'm an intelligent person. i'm not trying to convey with vanity of how smart or wise i am, i just know. i'm a smart girl. so when i come across something that i myself should stay away from, how come i've been swept in like other helpless and mainly just stupid girls?
did something happen to my brain to make me act and think in an utterly senseless way; impulsive and down right dreadful?
i've always been one to express my opinion about someone else's life; what's happening in their situation, what "drama" has come their way. i've been asked "what do i do? help me, please. i need your advice." i do the best i can to tell them what is right and what is wrong, and i do my best to keep their feelings at bay. i just want to help in a way that benefits them. because i care about what happens to them, and i'd like to protect them in any way possible.
so why, when it comes to me, i have no wise advice for myself? i've come across many others, asking their opinions, being one of those people, someone like those that have asked me many a time for my aspect. i do enjoy and need someone else to express their thoughts on the subject; it's good to get someone else's opinion on something about me for once.
i do trust their ideas, and their advice. i like hearing of what i should do, instead of me fending for myself. yet, the person i'd like advice from the most:

is myself.

the trouble with that is, i have no advice to give. i don't know what to do, or what to tell myself. i can't just say "everything will be alright" because i have no idea if it will. whatever i tell myself to do, i have no idea if it's right or if it's wrong. if i make the wrong decision, things could spin out of control. and i like control. it's what has kept me from going over the edge. it's what keeps me from breakdowns and from bad habits.
i am also not a very trusting person. i only have certain few to confide in, and to reveal my whole self without judgement, and that when i tell a secret, they won't confess.
but why is it that i can trust others, but not trust myself?
it's a mystery, really. trust. confidence, not just in yourself, but with others.
what i ask myself, why is it that i prefer my advice over the few i trust, but yet, do not trust myself? that is confusing beyond belief, and with all the intelligence i convey, i do not understand it.

so. what is there to do now? take the advice from the trustworthy people i call my friends, or do i still try to open the door and learn to trust my opinions and discover advice for myself?
i honestly prefer the second option. it would explain a lot of things, and i could maybe discover and learn more about myself than i ever would.

but there isn't a lot of time left.

what to do.

with love and light,
eve morgan