Day of All Days.

i told myself that today i wouldn't think about it.
i especially mentioned that i shouldn't blog about it.
but i didn't listen.
i hardly ever listen to myself anymore,
so why follow now?

i woke up this morning,
looked to my side,
and the thing pressing into my back,
was not a person but just an open ipad,
dead from being on all night.

as i take a sip of my chai tea out of my ridiculously large mug,
i more and more know less what to say.
because whatever i say,
you'll read.
and i don't want you to see everything and know everything anymore.
because i hardly know anything,
so why do you get to?

i don't want to tell you that i miss you every goddamned day.
i don't want to convey this empty, dark feeling i get every time my mind travels backwards.
and trust me, it does that a lot.
i can't control it.

i just didn't expect to be here.
i didn't expect to be losing instead of gaining.
but i should've known.
i should've expected.

because when does happiness ever last so long anyway?

anyway, i'm getting side-tracked from my point.
my point is this stupid day.
this stupid date keeps distracting me,
because i know that it is meaningless.
it's just another wednesday.

but it keeps coming.
all of my imagining of this day,
definitely was not this.

i never even wanted to consider.
consider the bad things.
consider the consequences,
from my oh-so-happy actions.

i don't want to consider, or wonder
never touching those lips again.
or feeling the wind against my ear.

thinking about that just helps with the rivers.
i feel like a sponge,
just soaking it all in,
and every now and again,
i get dry.

i don't want to be a sponge.
i just want to be the girl again.
the one closest.
not farthest.
not invisible.

i've been invisible for too long.
and this day just reminds me of the one time,
where i was seen.

and called beautiful.