Gratitude.

home.
that word cultivates so much meaning,
that sometimes
it feels like just letters
smacked together to present comfort.
some solace.
some peace.

over the course of these five days,
they have been full.
have been boring,
so many assignments and trials
and episodes of Weeds.

so this is where you fell
and i am left to sell
the path to Heaven runs through miles of clouded Hell right to the top
don't look back
turning to rags and giving the commodities a rain check

my minds been whirring quicker and quicker,
and i feel like i'm going to explode.

the board has contained less words, thank god.
crossing over accomplishments, slashed through like cuts,
and as the trials are erased,
there is still a scar,
just like the discoloration on my right knee.
it's unnatural.
it's unwanted.
but the abnormality is now a part of you,
just like how the many abnormalities are a part of me.

i hope that these next 9 to 12 days,
are filled with relaxation instead of grief.
that all this work and pressure and compromise
can be replaced with pleasure, serenity, and giving.
i mean, that's what Thanksgiving is all about right?

giving thanks.

i don't ever wanna let you down
i don't ever wanna leave this town
'cause after all this city never sleeps at night

for some reason, my mind, separate from my soul,
likes to worry and stress and freak.
i'm screaming at myself to stop,
but i keep pushing, breathing heavy, sweat beading on my forehead,
for a prize that i know that i've already won.
i just have to keep reminding myself that.

i know what i am thankful for,
and i guess in the anxiety of returning to the place that held my everything,
that held me,
i'm beginning to remember the good things.
the great things.
and i start to forget the bad things about the city.

i'm thankful. i'm grateful.
for my family, supporting me with every stupid decision or idea i have.
for my books, oddly enough, for teaching me more about the passion that i have gotten more and more obsessed with.
for my best friend, because without her guidance, i know i would be worse off than now.
for all of the friendly God lovers, holding my hands when i needed something to grasp.
for Him himself, never wavering, always watching over me.
and for the boy, no, man, that accepted me for who i am and still is willing to stick around.

i keep asking for more, expecting more, wanting more.
but i know i already have everything i need.

i just need to keep reminding myself of that.