Falling Backwards.

i know i haven't been here in a while.
you may think it's because i've forgotten, that i've been too busy, that i just haven't had time to think.
it's that i've had too much time.
i couldn't write because if i did, i'd be afraid of falling.
afraid of falling backwards.

yeah i know it's hard to remember
the people we used to be...
it's even harder to picture,
that you're not here next to me

i remember the summer.
there is no way that i could even handle forgetting.
even though things changed,
it always affects.

i drive down roads in my stupid maternal van,
imagining footsteps slapping against the sidewalk,
laughter ringing throughout the block.
inside my imagination, i don't know what to think.
because another pair of feet appear, like shadows from the sun.

in reality, however, i know what is right and what isn't.
but la scala and "inspiration" get in the way.

i know i'm different than i was.
i can tell from the videos of my somewhat younger face,
smiling and skidding across the screen,
complaining about her important woes.

they seem minuscule now.
at least, i hope they do.

i've wasted my nights
you turned out the lights
now i'm paralyzed,
still stuck in that time,
when we called it love,
but even the sun sets in paradise

too much, yet too little, has changed.
i don't know what to make of it anymore.
that's the fear creeping in.

thoughts of caffeinated beverages and teas.
i would hold the warm brew steadily in my hands,
and when i would take a sip, i would savor the flavor,
and glaze a smile across my face.
when my eyes would open,
the faces i would see would turn that glaze into a grin.

i wish they could be there all at once,
so i would have no more guilt,
but the thing about responsibility is,
is that sometimes you have to break down the bridges that you have built.

if "Happy Ever After"'s did exist
i would still be holding you like this
all those fairytales are full of shit
one more fucking love song, i'll be sick
now i'm at a payphone

i'm beginning to hate this blog.

with love and light,
eve morgan