I Catch My Breath.

a long while ago, i thought that if you had nothing happening in your life, then nothing was going to happen.
boy was i wrong.
i kept wishing, "please, there's nothing here that has deemed wanting (from my standards), something please happen to me!" i kept dreaming and wondering, when is my life going to start? when will i feel excited again? inspired? found wanting?
the lightning bolt struck me at the most in-opportune moment.

"be careful what you wish for."

careful has not once crossed my mind as the storm blew in and my life was twisted around. something had happened to me, all right. and i wasn't sure whether it was a good or a bad thing. but all i knew was that it was something. so i stopped worrying about the consequences.
"we can blame it on the rain."
funny thing, blame. ever since, blame has been cast from everywhere, places where i expected loving arms to open; instead i got hateful looks and disappointed eyes. disappointment. the burn from the lightning finally revealed itself, and the light flying around in my system wasn't exciting anymore; just scary.
"you got me caught in all this mess."
however, was i really caught? or did i just step into the net on purpose, knowing what it would do? that's not the worst of it. when you are trapped the usual response is the fight for freedom. all you care about is being set loose, so you can travel back to home. so why is it that i'm not fighting?
i should be. i shouldn't be ignoring the problem. i shouldn't be dismissive of wary voices running around in my brain. i should be listening instead of covering my ears. i should, i should, i should.
"is it more.."
what is right seems distant now. before it was a complete reflection, and now there are so many cracks in the mirror that it is hard to see. what a time to discover the unknown and only know that, yes, it's dangerous but you just have to try to find your way.
"i find peace in solitude knowing, that with just one... this whole room...
would be glowing."
glowing, huh? maybe that's why.
all i can remember every time i look back:

"be here. now."

with love and light,
eve morgan