Tick Tock, Goes The Clock.

my birthday's tomorrow.
i honestly don't think that turning a year older will be some majestic transformation.
it's just another year that i have lived.

birthday's always makes me think about time.
what i have done with it.
how i've let some things slip.
how i should be clutching on every second instead of sleeping through the days.

maybe i need a wake up call.

i never used to regret anything. i took whatever came at me head on. i would have a headache but i would have been proud to have defeated what lied on the floor in front of me.
now it feels like i embrace the monster, not fight it.
sometimes i really wonder if everything's worthwhile.
if he'll soothe my scratches.
if she'll be the enjoyment i need to wake up to the next day.
are they why i get up in the morning?

i wonder how everyone i know seems different somehow.
as if the waves kept crashing and the water just seemed to stick on their skin.
it's weird really.
how you look at a face so familiar... and still be confused as to who they are.

that happens every time there's a mirror.

i guess time screws with your head.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Stubborn Doors.

i don't preach out the perfect answers.
i don't know all there is to know.
she calls me wise, but i definitely am not the sharpest tool in the shed.

i'm stuck.
like gum on a shoe, i am stuck and holding on.
holding on for hope.
but hope never seems to like me when times are tough.
or even if they are easy.

it seems to me that life never opens doors. it may grant you windows, but you have to struggle to slip out.
the doors that were there get shut.
shut down like every other place.
"please, get out of my face."

people who get favored are lucky.
damn lucky.
and the ones who deserve it get clobbered.
no matter whether you are standing victorious at the end of a battle.
somehow, poison comes your way.
even in the form of something you love.

H&M worry about me.
they are who i call heroes.
not i, no no.
i am not a hero.
none of us are really. unless we give up everything.
give up everything for strength.
speed.
empowerment.

man, i just wish i could run.
far, far away.

and never look back.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Lights Go Down In The City.

i almost missed saying good-bye to my friend today.
and it didn't hit me until after his car pulled away that i wouldn't hear from him for six months.
hell, i may never see his face again.

it just made me realize how precious moments are. how special people are in my life.
no matter what bad things happen, it doesn't change my feelings toward them.
i can't really rely on this, but i want to make everything count.
with all my heart, i really do.

but how can i do that when it's not right?
it'll just make things worse.

then why is it that it keeps crawling out, shouting my name?
i don't want things to end badly. i don't wish for ugly words said, or sending sadness to those eyes.

i already miss my friend like hell. it was a close call, and he made the effort to say good-bye to me. i'll miss him; his laugh and how we joked about things.
i'll miss calling him my sister.
i'll miss eating breakfast with him in pajamas.
i'll miss discussing the love of dr. pepper.
i'll miss playing call of duty with him.
i'll miss the hugs and the brotherly attitude he had toward me.
i really love that kid.

good-bye isn't a word i like to use. but it's a lot better than leaving without knowing.

i'm not missing my opportunity next time.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Unconditional.

i love movies.
if you know me well, you know that i just love films.
i love the acting, the script, and the way its filmed itself fascinates me.
but the thing with movies is that a lot of the time..
"love" is involved.

love is a word over used. way over-used to the point where whenever i say it, or even think about it, i get sick. this word and it's meaning is so overplayed, that sometimes i think that it's not even worth having at all.
even from all the films i've seen in my life...

love is the biggest mystery that has yet to unfold.

i thought at one point that i had never been in love. technically i haven't loved a man in a romantic sense, but i know someday i will.
but what i have come to realize is that i do know what love is like.

"it's when you care about someone more than yourself."

in a way, that is one hundred percent accurate.
but with love there comes sacrifices. i know that all too well.
with love, however, sacrifices must be made in order to keep that person around.
and it's worth a hell of a lot more to have them than to be "selfish".
hell, i am selfish; but not for the same reasons anymore.

"you don't know friendship until you see what i've got."

damn right you don't.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Apologies?

hey there.
i know, i know.. it's been a week and there have been no blog posts.
here are my lines of excuses:
1. my computer stopped working (that's true)
2. there are things going on that's more important than posting everyday (also true)
3. i didn't feel like it.

i'll try again with the everyday thing, i will, it's just...
i really needed a break. a vacation.
but you want a blog post, here goes.

you never can realize what damage your actions have caused until it's spelled out right in front of you. then you see, assess, and then what?
do you fix it? walk away, disappear?
i'd love to be the invisible man right about now.
i think we all wish for superpowers when needing a new life. a fresh start.
what i would give for a fresh start.
but i am here. here to wash windows as if they were my soul, and to put the puzzle together, as M would always do. picking up the pieces is continual, and never ending.
i'll never stop picking up the pieces.
it might cut me as i try but hey, we get pain sometimes.

i'm strong. and you know what strong people do?
they fight.
they struggle.
but the best thing of all is they never give up.

"i won't stop until i know."

with love and light,
eve morgan

Security.

life has obstacles.
and it doesn't give you that much time to avoid them.
you go so fast that you don't even know that you hit the wall head-on.

maybe you'll break it.
maybe it'll break you.

you just have to find out how strong you are. or how strong you want to be.
and if you don't find out soon, the walls will hold and you will crumble.

but we all can pick up the pieces.
"you will be able to fix anything."

it's funny how the wards we build up around ourselves just fall and we are left completely open. completely vulnerable. either that vulnerability will be embraced, or it will strike, and you will be left with the pain of the attack.
it's okay to have locks and guards around you. but if you are alone, with no one to hold the key, then.. what's the point of having them at all?
you are nothing if you feel nothing.
it's okay to leave yourself open. because you know...
one person holds that key.

let them unlock the gate.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Out Of Range.

flowers bloom with their own pace. they take their time, and sometimes even when they have finished living, their full potential might not be so beautiful to some people.
it's beautiful to at least one.
the world is full of ugly things. scary things. grotesque things. but it's also filled with beauty too. i haven't taken enough time to appreciate the beauty of what's around me, and now that i have, i'll never stop looking for it.

it's time to open my eyes.

it seemed to me that i was always out of the circle. either that or i was maybe on the line. i was told if i stepped over, i would be considered a target. that something would come at me, and i may or may not get hurt. to feel pain. to feel suffering.
so i wasn't a target. i wasn't even part of the process, and that seemed to confuse me in some way. yes, i'm on the sidelines, but i'm not satisfied.

maybe i want bruises and bumps along the way.

one step. the voices shout in protest. another step, the crowds stands in their seats screaming "no! don't do it!" another step, and... silence.
a smile so huge begins to emerge, and adrenaline is rushing. it's so thrilling, so worth while, so dangerous; but it satisfies.

i'm the bullseye.
and the arrow is heading straight towards me.

"i am not afraid."

with love and light,
eve morgan

Exhaustion.

my body needs a rest.
a long long rest.
but my brain decides that it's always running, that it'll never stop spinning, turning, whirring. my brain never sleeps. neither does my mind.
yes. a brain and someone's mind are two different things.

the mind is a weird thing. an unexpected part of the human body, the part that makes someone who they are. makes them different from people; if you don't count different physical features.
everyone also has a different way of molding their mind, and evolving from a child into an adult. we never stop perfecting our thoughts, and they may change frequently with time. and yet, some try quite hard to keep their points of view the same.
that gets under my skin.

i guess that's what happens when you're struggling with self-control.
it takes skill to have self control. to persevere. to be okay with things even if you don't agree. what you need to keep in mind though, is to lose it a little bit at a time.
when things build up and you don't release anything, ever... instead of gently unlocking the gate, it'll be forced open; leaving everything you kept inside to be made to the public.
that's pretty much the definition of a break down or mental instability.

let yourself go now and again. let yourself be angry. upset.
scream at the top of your lungs! punch something, swear. just let some emotions out instead of playing the act of a robot, or just someone cool.
trust me. NO ONE is that cool and calm. ever.

it's okay to be a human once in a while.
it's okay to make mistakes.

don't be afraid to make one.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Fearless.

i have found a new haven. a new coffee haven.
just wanted to state that before i talk about how much my stomach is killing me because of the coffee/dairy that is in my system.
but i'm still going to try to talk about what i wanted to talk about.

i'm not one to appreciate change. i honestly have always hated it, because i didn't like what was happening around me. i wasn't comfortable because my world wasn't really mine; it was becoming corrupt and i just despised it all. despising my world meant despising myself.
change is still coming for me.
but instead of shoving it all down, i'm starting to accept it.

i'm evolving.

i am beginning to realize how much i'm changing as a person, and i couldn't believe it but i'm enjoying myself. i like the fact that i am taking chances and that for once i'm listening to myself and myself only.
it's such a freeing feeling. being able to just break out of that comfort zone and spread out to new horizons; new environments. to just be brutally blunt, i'm not taking caution from my actions. i mean, i am in some sort of way, but instead of stopping me from making them, it just pushes me to take the leap even more.
to free fall.

i'm not afraid of the consequences. of how hurt i'll be. of what will crumble around me if i step out of bounds. i don't care.

is this what the word "fearless" comes from?

with love and light,
eve morgan

Success!

i'm making a blog post on the fourth of july.
cut it kinda close since i got home less than twenty minutes ago.

i don't know, but i think this post is mainly going to be about my accomplishment in staying with the whole "once a day deal".

go me.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Pretty, Pretty Please.

my family is here for the fourth of july weekend.
i am happy to see my cousin, aunt, and grandmother. but what i find so ridiculous about it all, is the fact that we make such a large deal about it. "oh, family's coming, so be on your best behavior". clean the house, hide everything that seems unusual, and smile. a lot.
when family arrives from afar and they stay with you, you make everything so accommodating for them, so that they're comfortable. you sleep on the couch so they can have your room, and you wake up early in the morning just so you can figure out what wondrous event will take place while we have "guests in the house". you always have to do something extra fun; like going to monterey, or the fair, or the movies, or out to dinner. it's honestly so exhausting because you're always surrounded by family, and the family that you live with are acting especially weird and "normal", like they need to impress everybody.
it's ridiculous.
why do we need to impress them? they're family. shouldn't they accept us for our faults because no matter what, they'll love us?
"but they won't come and visit us if we act like that!"
i never said that we should be rude. what i'm trying to convey here is that we act like everything in our life is perfect and happy and pleasing and just plain...
fake.

i honestly can't take it. i don't care if my room is covered with band posters, or that the floor has stuff everywhere. it doesn't matter to me if we go out somewhere, or stay in and just talk. that's fine with me. but no, we have to make an impression, so we must spend money. we must go somewhere "nice".
to me it just feels like we're trying to show off.
but oh no, it's just "making an impression".

my family accepts me. i'm not going to act perfect, or try to be happy every second i'm around them. because they're family. not friends. not peers. it's not like i'm at a job interview, or any such an interview. i'm surrounded by loved ones, whose blood runs through my veins.
they're my family. and they love me.

no matter who i am.

so please. no more impressions.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Dream A Little Dream Of Me.

we can wish for a lot of things. we depend on it. we strive for it. we take precious hours of our time just hoping, pleading, and wishing. seeing as if we don't think that we accomplish what we want with our own power, it leads us to wish.
we have so many different ways of wishing. like blowing out candles on a birthday, but you can't tell your wish or it won't come true. don't tell me that every time you kept it to yourself, that it came true. not all wishes are favored, or well thought out, or even realistic in any sense. yet we still cross our fingers, knock on wood, throw salt on our back, and even look on the clock, hoping that it's 11:11 so you can make a wish.

you don't need a silly clock to make a wish. you don't even need to wish.

wishes are silly. they're hopeful, but silly. even with knowing how silly they are, even i still wish. i wish all the time. because there are things that i want in the world that i know i can't get unless i hope. unless i wish. unless i try.

yet, trying leads me to another dead end. then i scramble around the maze, trying to find my way out, like a mouse that runs around to find the exit with the cheese at the end. with the prize.
i want the prize. that's all i dream and strive for, my prize. my winnings. my favor. yet i try and try and try, and so far it just keeps slipping through my fingers like soap or like water.
i ask myself, am i ever going to reach solid ground, and stop trying to find the clouds? stop trying to fly? stop trying to be free? seems impossible to think otherwise.

does no one fight for what they want anymore?

with love and light,
eve morgan

I Catch My Breath.

a long while ago, i thought that if you had nothing happening in your life, then nothing was going to happen.
boy was i wrong.
i kept wishing, "please, there's nothing here that has deemed wanting (from my standards), something please happen to me!" i kept dreaming and wondering, when is my life going to start? when will i feel excited again? inspired? found wanting?
the lightning bolt struck me at the most in-opportune moment.

"be careful what you wish for."

careful has not once crossed my mind as the storm blew in and my life was twisted around. something had happened to me, all right. and i wasn't sure whether it was a good or a bad thing. but all i knew was that it was something. so i stopped worrying about the consequences.
"we can blame it on the rain."
funny thing, blame. ever since, blame has been cast from everywhere, places where i expected loving arms to open; instead i got hateful looks and disappointed eyes. disappointment. the burn from the lightning finally revealed itself, and the light flying around in my system wasn't exciting anymore; just scary.
"you got me caught in all this mess."
however, was i really caught? or did i just step into the net on purpose, knowing what it would do? that's not the worst of it. when you are trapped the usual response is the fight for freedom. all you care about is being set loose, so you can travel back to home. so why is it that i'm not fighting?
i should be. i shouldn't be ignoring the problem. i shouldn't be dismissive of wary voices running around in my brain. i should be listening instead of covering my ears. i should, i should, i should.
"is it more.."
what is right seems distant now. before it was a complete reflection, and now there are so many cracks in the mirror that it is hard to see. what a time to discover the unknown and only know that, yes, it's dangerous but you just have to try to find your way.
"i find peace in solitude knowing, that with just one... this whole room...
would be glowing."
glowing, huh? maybe that's why.
all i can remember every time i look back:

"be here. now."

with love and light,
eve morgan