Fake It Till You Make It

Wow.
It's 2015.
Year number 4 for this blog.

I honestly forgot this existed for a little while until I showed a friend that I do still write every now and again.
I keep journals and notebooks, but I don't know, there's just something about typing on a computer that satisfies my craving need for utilizing technology for my passions, and in this case, writing.

I'm not even quite sure what I'm writing today exactly. For the past few weeks of this new year, it's been spent working, starting new classes, meeting up with old and new friends, as well as rethinking careers and getting ill within the first week of school.

I'm tired.
I'm frustrated.
I'm annoyed.
I'm depressed & desperate.
I'm struggling.
I'm worrying.
I'm wishing & hoping.
I'm trying.

None of the things on that list comes remotely close to "happiness" or "content" or even "euphoric".

I consider myself to be a well-all, happy person.
And I am most of the time.
I'm just beginning to wonder if this "fake it till you make it" thing is actually invading not just in my academic and my career-driven world, but in the personal, inner-working world of my mind.

It's a scary feeling.
A terrifying thought.
I definitely am beginning to think that worrying is what my brain does most.

When I get a headache, I think I have a tumor.

When my arm or chest hurts, I believe whole-heartedly that there's a heart attack or stroke coming on.

I worry about tests
papers
keeping up with the news to keep up my grade
my writing skills diminishing day by day
whether or not women find me intimidating and hard to be around
whether the title "home-wrecker" is just a rumor or if there's actually truth to that accusation
my friends and I and if those connections are as strong as they used to be or if they've become weaker...

the list goes on and on.

I really really want 2015 to be something that makes me proud of my decisions and my accomplishments in the following years.

But right now, it seems to be just another year of worry and another year without rest.

Maybe it's finally time to have a conversation with God again.
Because that seems to be the only thing to calm my senses and get me centered again.
And man, do I want to be centered.

I want to make 2015 a good one.
These are my good years right?
The young, carefree, exciting years.

So let's make 'em count, shall we?