Turn These Diamonds Straight Back Into Coal

i haven't written on this blog in almost another year.
i haven't really been writing at all these days.
but i feel like it's finally time to.

these last few months have been the weirdest, most mind altering change that i have had since leaving my home to the city four years ago.
nothing too physical has changed.
i'm still at the same job, which is surprising to me because at this point of the year, it's usually time to leave.
i haven't moved away or left the city, like most do when throwing their cap in the air.
i'm still in the same house, with (almost) the same roommates.
i still consider the same people my best friends.
so i guess most of the change has been in my mind.

remember when our songs were just like prayers
like gospel hymns that you called in the air
come down, come down sweet reverence
unto my simple house and ring
and ring

i've been coming to terms with my person, although i am changing all the time.
i set out goals that i know haven't been met,
but like a great actor i admire once said,
"My hero, that I keep chasing is me, but ten years later. And ten years after that, my hero is me 15 years later. I never catch up, but I keep chasing."
i need to understand that i'll never be the perfect person that i want to be.
we're too human,
too many experiences and interactions get in the way of that ultimate goal.
and i'm beginning to be okay with that.

ring like silver, ring like gold
ring out those ghosts on the ohio
ring like clear day wedding bells
were the belly of the beast and the sword that fell,
we'll never tell

i guess you can say that i've been succeeding in what's pushed for me.
my job.
living on my own and finding peace when home.
my love life, though ultimately complicated, finally settling down.
my relationships with people.

but my like my father always says:
"happiness is between your ears."

no matter how much good or bad is thrown your way, you can either use it as an advantage towards yourself, or let it push you down, making you unable or unwilling to pick yourself up.
why let yourself drown for something that won't even take a step in the water?

for once, i can say that i'm unwilling to let things topple me over.
time to be stone instead of paper.
although leave some cracks,
because i still like the feeling of the wind.

that tall grass grows high and brown
well i dragged you straight in the muddy ground
and you sent me back to where i roam
well i cursed and i cried, oh but now i know
now i know

i'm doing just fine.
twists and turns but i've finally figured out a good middle ground.
it's never good to go from zero to 100.
because there's never time for anything in between.
and i'm tired of burning myself out.

it's been a hard year.
but i can't complain, because with hard times,
there's growth.

with love and light,
Eve Morgan