My Head's a Ship; My Mind's an Anchor.

it's 11pm.
and my body and mind are wide awake.
that's weird for me lately, because i've been,
falling
drowning
in exhaustion
and stress.
"but the semester just started".
don't remind me.
don't get me wrong, i'm
interested
excited
and ready for the work ahead.

but sometimes
during days like this
i wonder
and think
about summer
the carefree days.
my friends and family tell me
"your memory is too good"
yeah, with the fucked up shit.
like, what you were wearing last time we hung out
and the time stamp of the last text i sent you.
but i can't remember the simple
phrase
or equation
that i learned less than
a month ago.

what i do remember:
the way your face looked when you laughed at my stupid jokes.
or how you sighed when you explained your deepest fears.
i remember
skipping across the street
the way your hand felt on my thigh
and the compressed feel in my chest
whenever there was mention
of your name.

i hate my memory;
it's untrustworthy.

i'm stuck with
reminders
screaming at me
in the middle of the night.
maybe that's why i'm awake and unable to sleep.

because these

thoughts

feelings

and memories

are taking over
pushing me over the edge
like an anchor.
and i can't seem to swim back up to the surface
to breathe.

Books & Coffee Shops.

for the first time in a long time, i feel like the old me.
it's the anniversary.
during one of my worst months a year or so back,
i would come here, sit down, drink coffee and read.
immense myself in a book because i couldn't stand being present in my world.
today is not one of those days.

i just wanted to feel like i was doing something.
leaving the house and being alone.
not because i have to, like i would to commute to my job in the city,
but to be completely content with myself,
and do something that makes me happy.

that was my focus last year when people left and i was isolated.
but that focus was lost when others emerged and filled the cavern that was constantly growing, so much so that i was afraid there would be a cave in and i would be losing air.
i've been struggling to breathe.
but for now, my breaths have slowed.
my heart has slowed.
and although i am exhausted, worn out, and sore...
it's nice to finally meditate my mind,
body,
and soul.

i have so many goals for this year,
this year that already foreshadows stress.
but unlike the year before, i am ready for it.
no distractions.
there are no problems and issues that are jumping out of nowhere that can surprise me.
i've been known not to flinch.
i'm going to grow.
i'm going to develop and change and mold myself into a sculpture instead of a slab of rock or stone.

for the first time in a long time, i believe that.
a lot of people find the time of New Year's a period to remember, to mourn and to move on.
screw mourning.
screw remembering.
just live for now,
and plan for later.
and oh boy, i'm planning for later.
there's no bullshitting my life anymore.

it's time to live it.

with love and light,
Eve Morgan

New Dawn, New Day, New Year

happy new year everyone.
instead of going on and on about how my life has changed like i do every year, i'm just going to go with my goals for this upcoming year that, i hope, to be a good one.

my goals that i hope to cross off next January 1st.
1. lower my caffeine intake.
2. give up sugar and try hard to stop eating dairy.
3. try being vegetarian for a month. or even a week.
4. spend more time outside than indoors.
5. make every day count.
6. get a 4.0. GPA.
7. explore the city at least once a week.
8. read more.
9. write more.
10. be a better friend.
11. make amends.
12. lose grudges.
13. be nicer to my family, and more appreciative of them.
14. never think a guy will ever be my safety net.
15. run around the lake without stopping.
16. actually rock climb instead of just talking about it.
17. getting back into my art.

that's only just a few, but there will be many more.
it's a new year.
let's make 2014 a good one.

with love and light,
Eve Morgan