Copper Instead Of Bronze.

i'm home for break.
and i'm already feeling the urge to go back to the city.
there's too many memories here,
and i'm trying to forget and focus
on now,
not on past.

i can hold my breath
i can bite my tongue
i can stay awake for days
if that's what you want
be your number one

i did the right thing,
but there's a deep knife still wrenched inside my gut.
that feeling,
that fire,
that contraction, that pain
where someone you care about hurts.
it's a feeling that comes after a thought.
"i just want you to be okay."
and i sit and worry with that thought and feeling.
even though i did the right thing,
i still feel guilty about what may or may not come to pass.

i can fake a smile
i can force a laugh
i can dance and play the part
if that's what you ask
give you all i am

i can do it

but i'm only human

it's true; i'm only human.
and it's not like i've been a robot throughout this whole thing.
as much as i want to help, to be that holding hand,
i have to think about my hands first.
it's sounds selfish, but i think now it's finally time to be.
being selfless all your life isn't healthy.

this post is obviously a pointed one.
they all usually are.
you just have to read between the lines to catch a glimpse.
really study the words to grab a meaning.
(unless you know me pretty well, then i'm an open book.)
an open book that's only human.

but i'm only human
i bleed when i fall down
i'm only human
i crash and i break down
your words in my head, knives in my heart
you build me up then i fall apart
'cause i'm only human

i don't want to be the treasure inside the box that people have to search for years to find.
i want to be the ordinary charm that the girl wears everyday,
not the brooch that sits underneath the glass day after day.
either use the key or give it to someone else.
because i'm getting tired of waiting.
i'm patient, but my head is screaming.
and has been,
for a long time.

i can take so much
until i've had enough

i've had enough.
i care,
and i've been through wear and tear,
but it's time to get patched up.
and i know there will be a wound soon, my dear.
so deep it feels like you can burst.
it may seem like the worst,
but you can get through this.
just like i've gotten through mine.

it's time that both of us get patched up.
because this infection needs to stop.

if you find it to be any kind of real;
you know that we must heal.

with love and light,
Eve Morgan

Better Than Fine.

i'm not feeling it.
i'm not feeling the swarthy image of bliss and happiness that i should be feeling,
right here, right now.
my father said that these were the best times of his life.
at first, i thought, "what the hell is wrong with him? you can always improve your life."
then i realized,
why the hell aren't i improving mine, now?
why aren't these my best years, like they were my fathers?
we're just different people, i guess.

i don't know if you notice anything different
it's getting dark and it's getting cold and the nights are getting long
and i don't know if you even notice at all
that i'm long gone

i set my standards high.
for everything, basically.
my grades,
my taste in men,
and even my taste in friends.
but nobody's perfect.
they aren't, and neither am i.
so why must i feel a need to perfect when perfection has never, nor will be, in grasp?

i have a habit to keep thinking of past.
or at least my subconscious does when i fall asleep at night.
and mind you, it's not bright.
maybe the memories were, but it just reminds you that the present is dimmer.
maybe it's a nice shade of red, but it doesn't give off as much light.

and the things that keep us apart, keep me alive
and the things that keep me alive,
keep me alone
this is the thing

i wish i could just be thoughtful and say what i was thinking all the time.
but i don't like name-calling, so i never do.
with the only person i want to tell this to,
name-calling doesn't even worry my mind;
but you running away might.

"i'm fine, just like i always am."
stealing that line from someone who used to know me,
and projecting it towards someone that does.
i am fine.
i am balanced and kind, if you get the reference.
but i want to be better than fine.

i don't know if you notice anything different
like the trees on the leaves or my clothes all over the floor
and i don't know if you even notice at all

 but how can you notice when you're not even here?
i think that's my biggest fear.
although i have high standards, i have no idea of yours.
i am trusting, but i'm holding back.
because i don't want to lose.
not again.

i never have a point to these.
i just feel like i'm not feeling.
and you may not know what that means,
and i wish i could tell you.
but the fear;
the fear that's in here,
stops me.
and leaves it hard to breathe.

i'm tired of the name-calling and the running.
and to me, you still haven't run.
and i'm perplexed and still trying to figure out why that is.
have you, yet?

and the things that keep us apart, keep me alive
and the things that keep me alive,
keep me alone
this is the thing

and i don't know if you even notice at all
this is the thing

with love and light,
Eve Morgan.

Eyes of a Tourist.

i'm a little bit drained.
i'm a little bit maimed.
i'm a little bit sane.
but overall, i am grave.

there's a murder of crows flying high over head
over this desolate road,
i sometimes forget,
about you and i

i'm struggling.
and it's weird to think: i don't remember never struggling,
but i don't remember struggling so much,
even though in the past i did.
i'm at a good place with good people and good values are set in place for me.
there's nothing i should be complaining about.
i should be jumping for joy to be so lucky for this miraculous life!
.. so why am i dragging the tons instead of holding them up high?

and i'll fight to survive
through this thunderous life
when we're not side by side

i've been feeling like a drone for a while now with no real reason why.
then a week ago, i was reminded that i'm not just a puppet,
but a person with so much worth.
"you're so talented, Eve. More than you think."
for the first time in a while, i believed that.
and i also got to step back.
look at where i was through the eyes of a visitor, of a tourist,
and i couldn't help but smile.
as i watched the sunset over those familiar buildings, i knew.
God put me right where i need to be.
for the first time since i moved here,
i felt like i belonged.

i've never felt like that anywhere.

i'm roaming through the hills,
all alone
trying to find my direction home
a question of space
a matter of time
i follow the stars into the first light

when i reminisce, i feel worth.
but when i look at today, i feel worse.
i'm where i'm supposed to be,
but i don't feel like me.

i feel like people i trust bring me out to dry.
but i'm beginning to build walls,
so i'm standing in the rain, drenched.
wishing that the storm would pass,
and i could lie in the sun,
daydreaming in the grass.

i don't know what drugs to take
to successfully alter the state,
that my mind has been as of late
something that is eating away at my brain
and it's standing in plain view,
everyone can see
that it looks just like me

but i got to keep the fight going.
because these seas are rough.
i know i'm not that tough,
but i don't plan on getting soaked again.

i just need to remember.
i mean, it's December,
isn't it time to cheer up anyway?
i guess i'll try to keep the darkness at bay.
so with that i say,
have a good day,
because those are hard to come by.

with love and light,
Eve Morgan