Wings.

i want to fly
can you take me far away
give me a star to reach for
tell me what it takes

i stand here alone.
my own two feet,
in these leather boots.
i look out, wondering about everyone i knew.
everyone i met.
i wonder where they are now,
and as names pass through my mind like falling leaves in winter,
i wonder,
has my name ever been in someone else's tree?

i feel alone for the very first time in a long time.
and right now, today,
it's different.
it doesn't feel like a bad thing.
it's something that forces me to learn.
learn about life,
about love,
about capacity,
and about strength.

i'm stronger from the events that have come to pass.
and i know that.
even in the struggles and the attempts to fulfill a day,
i know who i am.

"i know that you're lonely, and that you want him to instill value in your life temporarily, but don't."

excuse me?
nobody can define who i am and how i feel.
especially not you.
i just find it funny that from a couple months, you make assumptions,
that you find to be truth.
you never even consider the other option.
and i guess i kinda understand that.

but assumptions lead to judgment.
and dear, i really don't need any more of that right now.

i want to fly
can you take me far away
give me a star to reach for
tell me what it takes
and i'll go so high
i'll go so high
my feet won't touch the ground
stitch my wings
and pull the strings

i'm trying so hard to just forget.
to just cut out that year of my life,
and move on.
but that just falls into a category of regret.
and honey, i don't regret anything.
you of all people should know that.

my decisions are my own.
no one can tell me different.
so that's where my respect for others come in.
because i cannot do anything to change their choices.
or their decisions.
it's not my job.
my job is to be around in spite of those decisions.
maybe to influence those choices, but not to judge them.

that's the difference between her and me.
that's why i get support.

i need to focus on what makes me happy.
but man, i need a rest.
this is exhausting my engine,
and i still need to drive down this road.
because there is no turning back.

change is my worst fear.
but i'm driving headlong into it.
shouldn't you?

i want to fly
can you take me far away
give me a star to reach for
tell me what it takes
and i'll go so high
i'll go so high
my feet won't touch the ground
stitch my wings
and pull the strings
i bought these dreams
that all fall down

i bought these dreams
that all fall down.

It's Not Just You.

loss.
that word is over-used, and over-exaggerated,
and sometimes
it's used as an excuse or as something that meaninglessly slips from your lips.
when i think of that word,
i know it's not something to be under-exaggerated.
or used lightly.

everybody goes through loss.
it's just what you lose that makes you different from the people around you.
but loss is never a good thing.
at least in my opinion.

it's getting harder wake up,
and even harder to fall asleep.

i always thought of myself as an independent person.
but the more and more i'm alone with myself,
the worse it gets for me.
as much as i love myself,
my mind cannot be trusted.

it still rings.
who else have you lost besides me?

i try to cut out my thoughts with music.
loud, annoying guys talking instead of singing.
because that's the only thing that will shut me up.
and i'm so tired of listening to my brain.

i'm living like it's just any other day.
living it like the word "loss" isn't in my vocabulary.
but it is.
i just don't want to face it.

i just want the issues to stop.
the "loss" of people and of friendships and relationships.
i want them to just fucking stop.
i know i'm strong, love.
but that doesn't mean you have to leave.
go just to prove it.
depart just to see if i can handle it.

i can handle anything you throw.
or whomever throws.
i've dealt with loss before.

it's just this time,
am i handling it the right way?

Day of All Days.

i told myself that today i wouldn't think about it.
i especially mentioned that i shouldn't blog about it.
but i didn't listen.
i hardly ever listen to myself anymore,
so why follow now?

i woke up this morning,
looked to my side,
and the thing pressing into my back,
was not a person but just an open ipad,
dead from being on all night.

as i take a sip of my chai tea out of my ridiculously large mug,
i more and more know less what to say.
because whatever i say,
you'll read.
and i don't want you to see everything and know everything anymore.
because i hardly know anything,
so why do you get to?

i don't want to tell you that i miss you every goddamned day.
i don't want to convey this empty, dark feeling i get every time my mind travels backwards.
and trust me, it does that a lot.
i can't control it.

i just didn't expect to be here.
i didn't expect to be losing instead of gaining.
but i should've known.
i should've expected.

because when does happiness ever last so long anyway?

anyway, i'm getting side-tracked from my point.
my point is this stupid day.
this stupid date keeps distracting me,
because i know that it is meaningless.
it's just another wednesday.

but it keeps coming.
all of my imagining of this day,
definitely was not this.

i never even wanted to consider.
consider the bad things.
consider the consequences,
from my oh-so-happy actions.

i don't want to consider, or wonder
never touching those lips again.
or feeling the wind against my ear.

thinking about that just helps with the rivers.
i feel like a sponge,
just soaking it all in,
and every now and again,
i get dry.

i don't want to be a sponge.
i just want to be the girl again.
the one closest.
not farthest.
not invisible.

i've been invisible for too long.
and this day just reminds me of the one time,
where i was seen.

and called beautiful.

Everyone is Made of Glass.

i don't know when everything began.
as i observe, i keep wondering,
when did everyone's lives become so sad and empty?

i hate sitting here,
trying to focus on my own life,
when the people closest to me,
are living the same hell that i am.
just in different circumstances.

i just want to tell her that things will be better,
and that i'm there for her.
but i have,
and she knows.
but it doesn't help like it used to.

i've been so lost in this war,
war of love,
battles for happiness,
that i forget that i should be fighting the battles for them,
not for my own benefit.

because when they aren't happy,
how the fuck can i be?

i want to be closer to C.
because with everything, she seems the most stable.
but hell, i seem to find myself stable,
so that definition seems pretty meaningless, now.

it's a lot harder to comfort someone who is on your computer,
rather than in person.
honey, i never want to see you cry,
so please be brave and keep it in.
i believe in you.
so please be strong and believe in that too.

i wanna just drive to SD,
and hug M until it hurts.
i miss so many people,
and none of the people i love are here.

i'm beginning to understand the numb feeling you were talking about.
but i don't want to break promises,
that's why this post is here.

we are all broken glass,
and i want to pick up the pieces.
i can't stand it when we all are shattered.

so to H, S, M, C, and G
i wish the utmost happiness,
and knowledge of my presence.
i'm here.
and willing to lend an ear,
or some simple words.
because i am so tired of sitting here just praying.

i wanna help, dammit.

so let me.

Cogs In The Machine.

i sit,
in the morning, i wake up,
take in my surroundings,
push my aching body at a 90 degree angle,
and i sit.

i've been quite reflective these past 150 hours.
my brain is a machine, but for these last 7 days,
some cog in the machine has been defective.
overly-exerted.
and overly-exhausted.

i'm hardly ever in the position where i find myself lost.
or confused about what i need to do.
being back in one of the biggest places again,
feels foreign, just like the first day.

drowning myself in music will not help.
repeating and reiterating my problems will not help.
but that's the funny thing.
i want to help.
that's what i do.
that's my job.

i feel like i understand the little girl with the hip problems who says,
"don't you hate it when it's out of your control? that you tried your hardest but it wasn't enough?"

i'm trying my hardest.
i'm fucking trying to be my own person and "live my own life", and focus on the things that matter.
but the things that "aren't supposed to matter", do.
the machine is defective.
i'm defected.
because the things that should matter to me don't.
and the things that do,
are out of my control.

so, in order to keep the wheels turning,
the engine on,
and the electricity currently running,
i sit.
i look, pause, and look again.

i'm reminded everywhere even where there is no sign.
and the more i try, the more there is.
the more i pretend,
the more empty and hollow it gets inside my head.

and i promised myself to never empty again.

the only thing that helps,
is writing.
and the more i feel that way, the happier i get.
because out of all of this,
all the bullshit and wondering and hoping and admitting and repeating,
all of this fucked up feelings instead my head,
at least my passion is getting a kick out of it.
at least i realize more what i'm meant to do.

i'm a writer, man.
and you know, a writer's responsibility is to be miserable, right?

dear god, i hope not.

i hope.