Three Syllables.

i often dream of what it'll be like.
what it will be like to run,
to jump, to squeal, to smile
so wide that i feel like my cheeks could
burst like balloons.
i dream of how so many butterflies
will emerge inside me
and how my heart rate will quicken,
and how i won't believe it,
how i can't believe that i've just seen
your face.

miles and miles and miles away,
i can still feel the goosebumps rising on my skin
when you breathe in my ear,

i can hear your laughter ringing from a distance of states,
as if you were only three feet next to me.

i imagine that look,
that one of wonder and of fondness,
that look of love you gave me,
when i tilted my head and asked "what?".

i knew it before you even could catch a glimpse.
how much you cared and how much you felt.
how out of all the pieces of the puzzle,
i was the biggest one in your eyes.

i try to wrap my head around how i could be so attached.
so obsessed.
so infatuated.
and so in love.

it scares me, this feeling.
this feeling that bounces back at me again and again,
without warrant and without connection.
it's just there.
never wavering.

all i want to tell you is how i miss the glory in your eyes.
or the way your jawline feels when my fingers trace it.
i want to tell you how the slightest imagine of you sends my mind reeling,
reeling with memories
of hiding underneath the covers,
my head resting on your shoulders,
or the way your voice shook when you told me those words.

those 3 syllables convey so much meaning.
and i knew that just by seeing you sleep.
so open and so vulnerable.
i just couldn't believe that i had that there.
next to me.
letting me look into
what most people find as solitary.

knowing you so well is frightening,
and exciting at the same time.
i get giddy when i know
that you understand it the same.

you may find it different,
some things that i say may vary from yours,
but the way i feel
and the way you feel
are still on equal levels.

it's still the same love.

and i'll always believe that.

"Maybe 'Okay' Will Be Our Always" - John Green

okay.

Won't You Stay.

lovely girl won't you stay
won't you stay
stay with me
all my life i was blind
i was blind,
but now i see

i never really imagined how different it is.
being here, surrounded be these four walls,
walls which contained my home.
contained my sleep,
contained my lazy habits,
contained my tortured sighs,
and my constant breakdowns.

this was my space.
this was my privacy.

but now i'm a stranger.
it still calls to me, but now,
i cannot hear the sounds.

fleet of black
fleet of black limousines
these tinted machines
here comes the cavalcade

with armored cars
armored cars like berettas
flags on antennaes designed to keep me safe
keep me safe 

it's hard to even believe how 7 weeks have changed me.
molded me into something different,
replacing parts of me.
that, or just pushing some attributes into the closet.
like my love of creativity.
or my sense of laziness.

some parts i'd love to come back.
like the rush i get when i write for my own self.
or the smile that crosses my face when i find a funny paragraph in a book.
there's something about the written word that intrigues me.
but the way someone speaks them sends chills through my veins.
maybe that's why i'm so fascinated by film.

i don't know whether or not i find my writing as interesting as others.
but i know one thing: it's real.
so real that i sometimes scare myself.

but it's who i am.
how i write and how i speak my ideas,
does not need to be understood by anyone but myself.
thinking otherwise just leads to defeat.
and i know i am stronger than that.

t.v. cameras,
t.v. cameras and stagehands
american bandstand,
electric guitars

and he's singing songs,
singing songs for the lonely
all the girls with the room keys,
they know all his words by heart
by heart

my heart lies in different places.
in alamo.
in dublin.
in seattle.
in san diego.
and in san francisco.

my life is only just starting.
according to my paternal role model.
but the difference between him and i,
is that i know what's important.
and where the pieces of my heart should lie.
but the biggest piece,
the one that involves all my creative virtue,
belongs here.

in writing.

so that's how it will stay.
i just have to keep reminding myself,
that it will always be here.

thank you God, for telling me.
or else i would have been lost.

lovely girl, won't you stay
won't you stay
stay with me
all my life i was blind
i was blind,
but now i see