A Fish Out of Water.

day turns to night,
and night to day.
hours pass on, and the world spins.
it spins madly on,
the speed too fast for you to handle.
but you don't feel it.
we don't feel the speed and the quickness underneath our feet.
as we are oblivious, time passes by.
and the young hands you used all those years are now crusty, weak, fragile,
old.

it was a wild idea to start,
a drip on the head got it wet in the heart,
and it looked like a river but was just a freeway
in the dark
oh, in the dark

sometimes i wonder if i'm a fish out of water.
desperate to go home,
but i don't know where home is.
it's kind of like a stroke on a blank sheet.
you have no idea where it will go,
but it's a start.

"it begins."

am i just chained to the art?
or is the art chained to me?
you can't tell, because the image is so dark.
so grey like the graphite i hold in my hand.
every word or touch of the paper,
i'm forming an anomaly.

you are a long ways up river from home
right here this water is mean but it's the same as your own
you better swim for your life
it's both at the same time

everyone looks at things in different ways.
with different opinions and feelings on the subject.
i feel like a shadow.
in the background, unable to shape or form into the person it's connected to.
but it observes the world around it.
and when day hits night, it disappears.
invisible until the next shining of the sun.

in shadow, in dark
in cold wind, open up your heart
'cause time brushes on your face
and one loved them - every new shape

one loved them for what could not get left behind or washed away

i'm trying.
to be better, stronger, faster.
to be an example for myself to lean back on.
to be the adviser to my decisions: and to be a good one.
i want to be able to think of love,
and to not scowl. or not frown.
i want to be able to see it as many do,
something to be cherish and something to be found.
but it's hard to be an explorer,
when all you've seen so far is disappointing.

the war is our hearts and lovers in the band we love
we keep breaking our backs, hoping that it gives enough,
oh, what do you need, oh, what do you need

tick tock, goes the clock.
and i am running out of time.
"speed it up."
i'm turning the gears as quickly as i can.
but i don't have the strength to go on.
how i wish to have more hands, to have someone,
unlike me,
to help me finish the job.

i know i use this too much,
but i feel like a wave.
you know, waves are a type of thing that always changes.
that is never the same shape or the same color.
the light hits different areas,
and darkness is deep and buried.
but i want to just dive in, and forget what is on land.
i'd love just drift away,
and never hit solid earth again.

it'll be just me,
flowing forever in the water.

oh man, there's ladders to the sky, building up a high rise
oh man we won't last long but we're giving it our best try
don't you know you're alive, you know you're alive
none of us save the day, but the war it told you

and we don't know what's left, but we feel it's coming back soon
so we're standing in the street staring at a blood red moon
we are the tide
we are the tide

with love and light,
eve morgan

We Are The Tide.

it's been a really long time since i've made a post.
but i'm not sorry for it.
there have been things in my life, twisting and turning, and pulling me around like a current in a wave.
keeping me on track, in one swift motion.
but the tsunami came, and ruined everything.
it ruined the plan.

there have been ups and downs.
i saw a performance by one of the best artist's known to man.
man just doesn't know them yet.
i met up with a person that i missed dearly, and seeing her face just had me laughing from the past.
i gave up someone, leaving them to float away at sea; bittersweet feelings held that day.

i've been trying really hard to concentrate on the important things.
my work and my craft.
my family and my relationship with them.
who i want to be, and how it compares to who i really am.
how others are worth it, and others drift apart.

i hear the train all night,
sound of it's wind blowing through
a subtle lapse... and i have a job to do
walking these cars, walking all to sleep,
to get to you

their voices pierce through me.
i will never listen the same, after feeling their heart.
feeling their respect, their emotions,
and their stories that made everything else seem minuscule.
"Be Here Now" totally applies.
i didn't realize how important that phrase was,
until i lived it with the six most talented people.
and lived it with a friend.

some ties are made to break;
some stocks grow high and green to rot away
and feel the weight

i don't think i've ever had this feeling before.
of unrelenting reliance.
of situating sounds, breaking through that window pane.
complete and utter silence.
the room is empty.
and all there is is disdain.

i got wise and i got old
not once, not once did i fold
so don't you now
maybe you bet on me,
while we were still young enough to know,
to believe

i've never been alone before.
not really anyway.
but as of now, this day,
i'ts just me and the world.

i'll think of them sometimes.
the people who made an impact.
and i'll think of future others,
who will do just the same.
it'll cross my mind, i know.
the way i fell in the undertow.

time and time again, they fly like birds.
moving so quickly like the waves,
while i am stuck here in the sand.

the person who taught me what it's like to have morals,
and to have consequences for your actions.

the boy who told me i didn't need to please;
he just wanted their reactions.

the girl that speaks her mind,
and that may leave storms in her wake.
but yet again, she doesn't waver,
because she's not just a piece of paper.

and one was different;
he wasn't arrogant, crass, or even innocent.
he took things head on, just as i did.
but he pushed people away,
just a bit.
there were times when i thought, "this is it".
but the mystery unfolded, and the "it" wasn't present.
it left a long time ago.
all we needed was acceptance.

i am all alone now.
standing as tall as i can.
watching people move and scatter across the earth,
and i'm waiting.
just waiting,
to be with somebody again.

some land holds a home;
some of my years only hold,
me to roam

i got wise and i got old
not once, not once did i fold
so don't you now

with love and light,
eve morgan

Stranger With the Same Name.

at times, when i was young enough to call myself a kid, i would just relax, lie in bed or on a couch, and remove a single blank sheet of paper. i'd take my pencil, and let the hands create what i've already drawn in my mind. when i was done, it wouldn't look exactly the same as the picture plastered in my head, but i'd still be proud with the work.
with the effort thrown into every single stroke of graphite.
when my mind was innocent enough to have sparks flying around in it like fireworks blasting off, i would run outside onto the grass and just pump my legs and be fueled with adrenaline. i'd create my own world. one that was completely out of the box, unorthodox, and with a label reading: my imagination.
my own space that i could call mine; no one would be able to take it from me.

i sit here and try to think of if i ever thought like this recently. i tried to recall the last time i ran outside with my imagination only, or when i didn't need a present thing to draw from.
i can't even remember. it's crazy, because i have the best memory of anyone i know.
it seems to me like i need to reinvent. go back to the person that i used to be; creative, enthusiastic, and unrelenting in my passions.
but i sit here, and voices pop into my head.
"eve, you have work to do."
"you don't have time to goof around."
"that isn't important right now."
"work, eve."
"strive, eve."
"stay strong, eve."

i feel like breaking myself apart and starting all over again from scratch. like i could rewind my videotape, and edit things completely until the video of my life is a new story. reinventing my whole personality; my passions, my struggles, the way i think about things. i just feel like there should be so much change.
that all of these recent things are unimportant. trying to keep up with my new self has the old one fading to the back; i'm not the eve who wears converses up to her knees, not the eve that couldn't wear eyeliner, and who read manga more than anyone.
i'm just a stranger with the same name.

i'm at a personality crisis.
and it's time for a change.

let's reinvent.
so i'm not just a shell anymore.
i'll be the eve i want to be.

"go back to the beginning."

with love and light,
eve morgan

Points.

conundrums.
large, fat, giant, massive, ambiguous,
conundrums.
conundrums that seem to take your life,
and twist it, until you shout
"What in the Hell?"
and are left standing there, dumbfounded.
confused.
and ultimately,
alone.

loneliness isn't a horrible thing.
it isn't even that much a mistake.
unless you think about it.
unless you grieve upon it.
unless you have always depended on others, and when alone, you have no idea how to depend on yourself.
to care for yourself.
to make yourself your new best friend. your new confidant.
your new self.

i have learned in the past few days, that there are signs.
there are reasons for what people do and say,
and there are explanations for the unknown and the mysterious.
but sometimes,
the answers aren't easily explained.
they aren't even really answers, because sometimes,
we have no idea what the hell we are talking about.

things happen for a reason.
at least, that's what John Locke says.
that we may never view things as random, or uncertain,
because uncertainty just leads to doubt.
and doubt leads to failure.

success isn't whether the fact you have a steady job, or if everything in your life is going exactly the way you planned.
it's just the fact of being happy.
being content with how your life turned out, that even with the mistakes you've made, it's led you to this point.
this tiny little dot that tells you, "Congratulations! You have won success."
but success isn't winning, is it?

there may not even be anything like success.
maybe success is some imaginary thing made up so that people would strive instead of sitting on their asses day in and day out.
but i'd rather believe that there is.
because it brings out hope.
strength, and wisdom. and the power to push through the hard things, and truly find what makes a person happy.
and in that happiness, they will shine through.

i just hope i find it.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Compensation.

i wake up, feeling five pairs of eyes on me.
i turn and look, but i only see one.
hers.
i force myself to turn back, facing front.
i get up, do my usual routine, and leave to increase my education.
again, i have eyes on my back.
i turn and there's only one. but it doesn't look at me anymore.
it walks past, head towards the ground.
leaving me standing in the rain, with so much guilt.

it hasn't really hit me yet.
it doesn't really feel true, because i see and just want to wave.
to speak, to say anything.
then i remember. it hits me all over again, and that wish of waving and speaking have gone to waste.
"things change."

two birds on a wire
one tries to fly away and the other
watches him close from that wire
he says he wants to as well but knows he's a liar

i know that it's what's best.

for now, in my mind. still hoping and wishing for just a little conversation.
but knowing rationally, it's almost impossible.
for the first time, i wish to be naive. oblivious. unknown.
i won't be knocked down.
but i am just sinking in the wave.

i'll believe it all
there's nothing i won't understand
i'll believe it all
i won't let go of your hand

three more weeks, and i'll be alright.
that's what she says, anyhow. and i completely understand.
i always understand.
maybe that's the mistake. understanding. knowing how they feel, and yet still repeating: "it's okay, i understand."
i try to make myself believe that this is what she wants.
yet i refuse to come to terms. because for once,
we are on different wavelengths.
and i don't know how to get us the same again.
"we can blame it on the rain."

for those who can still recall, the desperate colors of fall
the sweet caresses of May, only in poems remain
no one recites them these days for the shame
so what if nothing is safe, so what if no one's saved
no matter how sweet, no matter how brave
what if each to his own lonely grave?

praying is what keeps me steady. people are what keep me from falling to the floor.
because with others, i can easily forget.
yet when i see her face, it's a reminder.
a reminder of who i am.
and who i am isn't who i want to be.
not if i hurt her, so she'll hurt me.
it's just compensation.

i don't want to live without you

with love and light,
eve morgan