they are built to hold and fit,
look how far they go round
you don't need these now that you've found another pair
and the difference is astounding, i should expect
i really should be sleeping because if i don't now then my morning of brewing and steaming and grounding and blending and handing out pastries tomorrow will be much more strenuous that it would if i actually got the sleep i needed.
but i cannot sleep knowing that i'd waste a moment to write when i have something on my mind.
so here i am, ready to be an achy-breaky rusted machine on legs tomorrow just to write.
i want to say that i am at a good spot.
like that point when i've reached the peak and i could just sit for hours, staring at the view.
but at the same time, with this elated feeling of solace, i feel like there is a tipping point.
that steadily things will go downhill, just as the climb upwards felt a couple weeks ago.
i don't want to believe that.
i want to think that there are many more mountains next to this one i've just conquered that are ready for me to walk. to step upwards instead of strolling downwards at a speedy rate.
i decided this decision some six months ago
so i'll stick to my guns, but from now on, it's war
i am armed with the past, and the will, and a brick
so leave the rest at arms length
i didn't start this, however, to rant about hills and mountains and climbing and falling and getting back up.
i just feel like for the first time, i am not dependent on others as much as i used to be.
i know that's not necessarily a bad thing, but as the climbing is steeper, so is the struggle to stay afloat.
and i don't mind admitting that sometimes i need the push or the hand to help me forward.
i had those hands;
but i've had them before.
and they've disappeared on me too.
i'm beginning to see why trust is a large issue for a lot of people.
and that attachment is sometimes a mistake.
i've learned that time and time again.
and i'm realizing that as much as i wish this was a perfect world,
i cannot be attached.
and maybe that's the tipping point for me.
i'm content, alone on this mountain with the view.
but i don't want just my eyes to see it, i want you to see it, too.
i want to be here with you.
so leave the rest at arms length
keep your naked flesh under your favorite dress
leave the rest at arms length
steer clear of the past, girl, run, run away
i wrote on one of my many walks
"should i keep living by fear and holding tightly onto hope?
or should i let go of the rope?
even if i fall, i'll still bet it all.
cuz all of this 'maybe';
it's all on you."
i wish to have no fear.
and i want to tell you i want you here.
but that fear,
keeps me separate from attachment.
and i can already feel it seeding,
feel it breathing,
almost as if it's about to come alive.
i want to be successful on my own.
i don't need that attachment or that trust, only to have it taken away from me.
i've worked too hard this time to deserve that again.
so are you my friend?
cuz if so, then stay.
don't keep using this bullshit, this sense of "complicated",
just to run away.
leave the rest at arms length
i'm not ready to see you this happy
leave the rest at arms length
i'm still in love with you, can't admit it yet
if you're giving me your hand,
don't tease and take it back.
cuz if you do, i don't think
i'll ever ask for help up again.
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