The Tipping Point.

good arms vs bad arms will win hands down
they are built to hold and fit,
look how far they go round
you don't need these now that you've found another pair
and the difference is astounding, i should expect

i really should be sleeping because if i don't now then my morning of brewing and steaming and grounding and blending and handing out pastries tomorrow will be much more strenuous that it would if i actually got the sleep i needed.
but i cannot sleep knowing that i'd waste a moment to write when i have something on my mind.
so here i am, ready to be an achy-breaky rusted machine on legs tomorrow just to write.

i want to say that i am at a good spot.
like that point when i've reached the peak and i could just sit for hours, staring at the view.
but at the same time, with this elated feeling of solace, i feel like there is a tipping point.
that steadily things will go downhill, just as the climb upwards felt a couple weeks ago.
i don't want to believe that.
i want to think that there are many more mountains next to this one i've just conquered that are ready for me to walk. to step upwards instead of strolling downwards at a speedy rate.

i decided this decision some six months ago
so i'll stick to my guns, but from now on, it's war
i am armed with the past, and the will, and a brick

so leave the rest at arms length

i didn't start this, however, to rant about hills and mountains and climbing and falling and getting back up.
i just feel like for the first time, i am not dependent on others as much as i used to be.
i know that's not necessarily a bad thing, but as the climbing is steeper, so is the struggle to stay afloat.
and i don't mind admitting that sometimes i need the push or the hand to help me forward.
i had those hands;
but i've had them before.
and they've disappeared on me too.

i'm beginning to see why trust is a large issue for a lot of people.
and that attachment is sometimes a mistake.
i've learned that time and time again.
and i'm realizing that as much as i wish this was a perfect world,
i cannot be attached.
and maybe that's the tipping point for me.
i'm content, alone on this mountain with the view.
but i don't want just my eyes to see it, i want you to see it, too.
i want to be here with you.

so leave the rest at arms length
keep your naked flesh under your favorite dress
leave the rest at arms length
steer clear of the past, girl, run, run away

i wrote on one of my many walks
"should i keep living by fear and holding tightly onto hope?
or should i let go of the rope?
even if i fall, i'll still bet it all.
cuz all of this 'maybe';
it's all on you."

i wish to have no fear.
and i want to tell you i want you here.
but that fear,
keeps me separate from attachment.
and i can already feel it seeding,
feel it breathing,
almost as if it's about to come alive.

i want to be successful on my own.
i don't need that attachment or that trust, only to have it taken away from me.
i've worked too hard this time to deserve that again.
so are you my friend?
cuz if so, then stay.
don't keep using this bullshit, this sense of "complicated",
just to run away.

leave the rest at arms length
i'm not ready to see you this happy
leave the rest at arms length
i'm still in love with you, can't admit it yet

if you're giving me your hand,
don't tease and take it back.
cuz if you do, i don't think
i'll ever ask for help up again.

Nightowls and Earlybirds.

this is the first blog post that i've made since the school year started.
hell, since summer.
but a colleague (aka. my english professor) told me how "bomb" and "tight" my work was, so I'm trying to get back into it.
and since my mind has been confusing to me lately, i'm writing more for the sake of organizing it.

school has begun.
i've been here for two months and started a new job;
a job that requires my early eyes rather than my more attentive late ones.
and man, the coffee isn't helping my wires run right anymore.
at least, not like they did when the moon was out or when the sun was low.
the electricity that is my body isn't brightening the light bulb,
but dimming it so that it's barely on;
so that my early-bird eyes can see
and my night-owl ones can rest.

i miss my night-owl friends.

i went to the beach on saturday, stuck my toes in the sand,
and just breathed.
i thought of life, staring at the glimmering waters and the clouds rolling in,
and remembered that there's so much to begin.
as well as stick to.
i'm glad for the things i have, i realized, sitting on that soft floor,
wrapped in a blanket, i'm reminded of what i'm searching for.

i realized recently that i've already found it.
however, there's so much work to be done and that something has got to wait.
that's what i've been told before, and that's what i will do again.
i'll wait.

but waiting has it's limits.
and my limits are growing, and unlike someone i know, i can't stretch them out.
but i want to.
i want to make you proud.
i want to make thems proud.
i want to make myself proud.

i'm the person that's used to handling everything, carrying all the weight and still being strong enough to lift more the next day.
for a long time, i've carried other peoples weight, but now that it's my own..
it's so much more to hold than i ever thought possible.

the thing keeping me going is support.
support from Castro Valley,
Dublin,
San Diego,
and L.A.
all the different places, all those different faces,
makes me think that San Francisco is a destination,
not a permanent home.

i don't mind that i have to roam.
because i'm the kind of girl that can fit in anywhere, right?

i'm afraid of breaking down.
of collapsing from the weight and being buried alive.
i want to survive, and there's a hand there, ready to pick me back up.
and man, i hope it's yours.