Year Ending Acknowledgements.

when i first looked at this picture, i cried.
literally had tears flying down my face, and..
i didn't know why.
at first anyway.

i didn't expect that this year would be different.
that it would hold some substance compared to the others.
on january first of this past year, i thought to myself.
great. another year of wastefulness.
of carelessness. of just the simplicity of 2010.

i'm not the same person i was that day, almost 365 days before.
i'm completely new.
well, almost new.
i still laugh at ridiculous jokes, and snicker from the inappropriate ones.
i still love the thought of wearing hats.
i ramble on, a lot, and i don't think that will ever change.
and i still believe that things happen for a reason.

if you were here beside me
instead of in New York
if the curve of you was curved on me
i'd tell you that i loved you
before i even knew you
cause i loved the simple thought of you

i can't really define myself.
or the year i've had.
but the sneak peek of it is,
it was one of the most memorable years i've ever had.

i turned seventeen.
i got two raises at work.
i wrote practically a whole novel.
i painted something good, and was satisfied giving it away.
i donated money to good causes.
 i systematically changed throughout it all.
and it all was because of who was in my life, who i hung around, and who i loved being with.

M.

my older sister.

she has changed me in so many ways i had never thought possible.

she was there through my darkest days, and will be so for my most likely dimly lit ones.

she taught me what it was like to experience, to drive, and to just enjoy the damn coffee and leave my stomach to fight it off.

i could say that i'll always love her like family.

K.

i can honestly say that i don't think i'd ever had better adventures.

or better car talks.

this boy taught me to live in the moment, and helped me gain confidence. he helped me realize how much of a difference i can make, and ever since then i'm trying my best to live up to his word.

i don't think i've taken so much advice about life than from him, even though we know we're both just kids.

i miss his inspiration.

A.

this girl stuck around, never wavering.

she was the glue that never stopped holding on, and for that i thank her everyday.
with her unrelenting reliance, i've gained what it means to be a friend.
to be with them every step of the way, even though they can hurt or leave you.
she was there when everyone else wasn't.

"absence makes the heart grow fonder." and i am proud to know her, and love this girl.
a true friend.

F.

i think he would be really excited that i mentioned him.

i always thought that i was teaching him something (mainly bossing him around), but i did learn one thing.

making mistakes are okay, because things eventually work out.

i'm glad to know this person because he is still there even though i yell. even though i curse and even though i get mad, he still takes the beating.

he may look up to me, it's completely the opposite.

i only wish i had his bravery.

 H.

even with fights and separate opinions, i don't think i could bear not including her in this.

because she's been my sister for four years.

i think i've had the most memories with her. bad and good ones mixed in, but i couldn't imagine more time spent than with this girl.

she taught me a lot about morals. about consequences and about leaving the mistakes behind because eventually, they shouldn't have to matter anymore.
she taught me that forgetting about one simple thing is better than going into meaningless detail over it.

i've had so many smiles with her around.

and i miss that smile whenever i'm not with her.

i literally love her to death.

these people have changed me.

and still change me to this day.

and i cannot imagine never meeting them, and never knowing who they were.

i guess it's odd, but easy to get sentimental on the spin of another new year.

and i'm glad this one didn't end with regret.

if our hearts are never broken

well there's no joy in the mending

there's so much this hurt can teach us both

though there's distance and there's silence

your words have never left me

you're the prayer that i say every day

i don't know my new years resolutions. 

just priorities.
to keep the memories alive.

to never forget and to never let go of the things that matter.
and that for the next year to come, to take everything these five have taught me,
and to live it to the best.

i've disliked change.
but look where it brought me now.
i'm still finding out who i am but what i've learned from this year,
is to take it head on.
and to never regret my decisions.
because they make me who i am.

embrace the moment,
and live life to the best.

with love and light,
eve morgan
 

Red Room.

i'm confused.
a little bit lost even.
i walk around, seeing the bleak air wrapping around the world i am in,
and i don't know where i am.
i don't understand what i'm seeing.
and this feeling burrowed deep inside of my chest in unrelenting,
unknown and frightening.
but for some reason,
it doesn't feel unfamiliar.

when i think of people, i think of the world.
the connections.
the generations,
and the birth of new ones.

when i think of mystery, i think of the unexplained.
the unplanned.
the unexpected.

when i think of the past, i think of inconsistencies.
fragmented memories.
fading in the distance.
the new ones fogging up the old,
until they are dusty.
and unremembered.

when i think of the future, i think of stress.
of plans, of worry,
of expectations and disappointments.
yet also of wonder, wisdom,
and fate.

when i think of inspiration, i think of many things.
things that inspire me to do what i love.
people that make everything i create something of worth.
something of greatness.
something of value, yet not in terms of costs.

i could go on for miles and miles about what brings out the creativity in my craft.
about the people that bring out the best in me.
and the worst.
but that doesn't seem fair.
to describe people in the way they make you feel. to tell others who they are when you have no right to identify them. no right to express who they are,
when you yourself don't know who you are.

i started this post hopeful.
that i could just do something easily,
simple and un-meaningful.
but then i'd be a hypocrite to my own words.
that "all writing is beautiful."
that in my 'significant' opinion, everything a person writes down, or thinks about writing down has an impact.
but i honestly question my opinion.
hell, i question a lot of things.

but i don't ask myself why i fell towards fate.
i don't even doubt my mistakes, because i learn from them.
i don't regret my feelings,
because without them,
i'd be three years behind.

i'd have to guess that my inspiration comes from my experiences.
from the people i meet to the ground i walk on.
everything seemingly endless;
people.
environments.
in a simple sense, the living.

my inspiration comes from the living.
and to my surprise,
i'm part of that too.

this is where it all begins.
everything starts here, today.

with love and light,
eve morgan

Someone Like You.

sigh.
that's what i do in the morning, right when i sit up and look at myself in the mirror.
it's what i do at night, right before i close my eyes to rest.
i have no reason to sigh.
i have no rational thought to even use that wasted energy to think about it.
things are good. hell, things are great.
i patched up holes with my best friend. it may be bad stitching, but it'll hold.
i make enough money to take care of myself when my family can't.
i bonded with my brother, whom for years thought me scum.
i have plenty of friends to lean back on, and God is in my eyes.
i should be ecstatic. right?

the idiocy of my brain won't be satisfied.
it's not sufficed, because in the evening, and in the breaking dawn,
i sit up and sigh.
sometimes, if i have the energy, i even let a few tears slide.
why is a damn good question.

i keep pulling out my list.
checking and crossing everything that is on it, one by one.
"nope, that's not it... nope... no.. na-da."
i scan the list, i go over every simple thing in small detail, but none of it is what bothers me.
then i get to your name.
and my hand hovers over it with the pen,
unable to slash the line through.

i shake my head in denial, and squeeze my eyes shut, keeping the tears locked where they belong.
it's not you, i tell myself. it has to be something else.
with everything my rational, right mind says, the other part shouts back in defiance.
no matter how much i hate to admit, it's right.
the irrational, the crazed, and the damaged...
is one hundred percent accurate.

i can't help it.
i am torn in believing two truths.
that i am over it, and that i'm moving on.
and yet, a part of me is still stuck in the past.
and i don't know if that part is willing to break free.

i can say this for sure, every part of me wishes things were different then they are.
that i didn't have to let go, and that i didn't have to stop.
but i knew, somewhere deep and buried, i knew,
that it was the only way to keep from shattering.
to keep from breaking apart.

i need to be the friend to my heart.
because most of the time i refuse to be.
i've spent a lot of time,
wondering and thinking of what's best for me.
and even though at the time i believed the opposite,
you are not what's best.

i've wished a lot.
and the most was wishing that it wasn't true.
that everything that was there, was real.
but i know now, after being hit with harsh reality,
that it was fake.

it's a bittersweet feeling.
the sighing in early morning and late evenings.
i'm not being critical, i'm just being honest.
that's something i always have to do, right?
and in all honesty, i'll miss you.
your laugh, your character, your opinions, your grace,
and your presence in my life.

but i'll be okay.
that's about enough of a goal that i can make right now.
a simple, easy, hopefully achievable goal.
i wish you all of the luck in the world.
and i hope that you don't forget.

it's been great.
but it's time for a new chapter.
and with reluctance,
i'm closing this one.

maybe i'll find someone like you
i wish nothing but the best for you, too
don't forget me, i beg, i remember you said
sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

with love and light,
eve morgan