i love fall.
i love coming home to the different colored leaves and a chill where i could see my breath when i breathed.
fall is the change.
the transition.
the colors change and fall, just like people do in their millennial years.
i love fall but i hate transitions.
however, i'm becoming susceptible to change.
i come home for break and it feels weird and scary.
my favorite coffee shop has raised prices and different signs.
my old place of work has new employees who don't know my name.
the cat that used to crave my attention,
is replaced by two felines that can't wait to leave my grasp.
when i come home, i feel at first like nothing has changed.
but so many things have.
including myself.
i'm not sure whether these changes are good or bad ones.
and i'm not sure if i like that they are happening.
but change welcomes itself into your home whether you like it or not.
it's inevitable.
i've been in a fight with myself lately.
on whether or not my actions are justified.
or whether or not they are smart decisions or just stupid ones.
i tell myself i have a right to be stupid now.
because 5, 10, or 15 years later,
there's too much a risk for idiocy.
but then my argument is
"don't be stupid. period."
i'm trying my hardest,
but sometimes i feel like i'm disappointing that thought.
i've been told by a distant friend that i'm doing exactly what i'm supposed to be doing.
but who established the rules here?
where's the authority?
is it just what society is telling me to do, or is it just the right set of emotions and the right set of actions?
i'm "supposed" to feel trapped.
i'm "supposed" to question everything i'm doing.
i'm "supposed" to wait for my life to start.
i'm "supposed" to get a degree and begin this 'amazing' career path.
i'm "supposed" to work hard and run myself dry.
i'm "supposed" to wonder if the person i am now is the person i want to be.
i'm "supposed" to struggle.
i'm "supposed" to be sad.
i'm "supposed" to be empty.
well fuck that logic.
logic has never really helped me in the first place.
i've seen logic come between connection,
destroy our planet,
and send people into war where there should be peace.
to me, it seems like the logical decisions are the destructive ones.
so again,
fuck that.
screw the logic.
screw what you're "supposed" to do.
i want to be proud of who i am.
not just proud of what i've done.
and who i am now isn't strong enough to go against the odds.
so i know more fully than ever,
that i gotta get out of this house
out into the open
and get stronger.
and dammit, i will.
i just gotta get outside.
with love and light,
eve morgan
